What Next, God?

Ok, so I need help. Literally.

As mentioned last time, God is pressing on me to be more generous. The problem is I don’t know how. I cannot give financially. I have no time. I tried using my popular blog and want to do that again, but I’m lost.

I want to do something grand and sweeping, but the little things hang me up.

And this is my failing. I know, I know, “don’t let your left hand know what you’re right hand is doing”, but I’m big on asking for help, so I’ve sent out some emails asking how I can help. So will it even count?

I’ve wanted to do this for so long, but greed is stronger than you can imagine. We can’t discount the outside forces either. My husband, a wonderful man, but he does not embrace this philosophy. I guess from his background, holding on tightly is what he believes works.

I believe that holding on tightly is the best way to ensure what you have will slip through your fingers.

I try to convince him and that blows up into an argument, usually in front of the kids, and the person who’s WRONG in those arguments is always me. I turn into a grade-A bitch, and then my quest for generosity ultimately leads to sin.

I stupidly mentioned to someone something I wanted to give to a struggling family (why?? why did I do that??) and this person piped up that they wanted what I was giving, something I know they have and while I talked them out of it, I’m not sure if to be a blessing means I should have just given it to them.

And of course, I discussed it so there goes anonymity.

FEELING STUPID. How can a simple act of blessing someone become so complicated? What kind of creatures are we to struggle so poignantly for stuff we don’t need, while others are desperate for a little generosity?

At CHRISTMAS. Pray for me. As you can tell, I need it!

God’s been dealing with me lately, well, for years really, about giving. I’ve cracked this kernel of wisdom, finally, about what, even through difficult pay or insurance issues, that has taught we have so much.

WE HAVE SO MUCH.

Now, up until a few months ago, for example, I had terrible issues with this house. We did not want this model and were lied to about the model we would have preferred that could have cost the same as we paid for this one. I complained bitterly, I was angry and distraught, and every time I banged my elbow or stubbed my toe on this inconvenient layout, I cursed the lady who sold it to us.

I knew this greed and it was eroding my soul, so I prayed for it be gone. A long time later, I thought I had mastered it. I realized how little fellow humans in 3rd world countries had and how my “tiny” house could house probably a whole village. It was over! I mastered it!

Right?

Wrong. Because over the past year, we made friends with some neighbors and guess which model one of them had? I had to spend up close and intimate time in the house with the beautiful layout. If I had dealt with the greed, it seemed I had not dealt with the burning envy that I’d go home with. OH this took a long time and a cool paint job to overcome. I’m not sure that I would say I “love” my house yet, but I’ve learned to enjoy it and made a plan to make it better.

Through all 3 years of dealing with this awful sin, I wondered “why?” First, why did I get screwed over for no apparent reason on the model? And, why was my level of greed and envy so high, for a person who considered herself close to God? Why did it take so long to start to conquer this sin?

Then a couple of weeks ago, I realized something. I’ve been taking my walk with God so seriously that I’ve cut out anything that threatens to push me away. I’ve tried to read the Bible daily, pray with Amelia nightly, pray in the morning, understand Christianity, listen to sermons frequently, etc. I’ve been praying for things dealing with me, rather than for self-improvement in those that bother me, confessing sins that confound and trying to find resolutions for them.

Recently, I felt another nick in my greed. Since maybe nearly 20 years, I’ve wanted a Mac. Not merely wanted, but lusted-desired-dreamt of it. It sounds stupid, since I’ve been a PC gal my whole life, married to a PC techie, who can get spare parts, cheap new systems, etc. Buying a Mac is total luxury in a home that is loaded with fairly high quality PCs and laptops. So it took me completely by surprise when we walked in the Apple Store last week – after the release of the 27″ iMac – and I didn’t want one. Didn’t care at all. (I’d still may save up for one when I’m more financially stable, I just don’t care now.)

THAT, plus Zoe losing a bunch of my treasured-more-than-valuable jewelry made me realize it’s just stuff.

And that realization carried over to my home. It’s just more stuff, and I should look upon it as a place to keep my kids safe, raise them with cherished memories of happy days, and help people where and when I can. That’s the purpose of a home.

But that still does not answer my “why” question.

Now my husband is not where I am spiritually and that’s perfectly fine, but he does not see, as I’m beginning to, that all we get is not ours but from God and so we must give it back in thanks. Tithing, therefore, or financially donating is very difficult since I’m not willing to do that kind of thing behind is back. So what can I do? After listening to Joyce Meyer’s broadcast today called “Destiny Altering Decisions, Part 2″, and listening to another sermon on God’s promises, I felt I had to relisten to the Meyer podcast again, and then I realized God was saying, “Don’t use your husband as an excuse.”

So, why did I get the “wrong” house model? Why did I marry a PC guy and lust a Mac? Why have I battled with all this stuff?

I also realized that I do have a great dream that I’d like to accomplish, a book to help special needs parents, and that I have to eradicate my lust for fame as well to even begin to write that book (it’s not easy). I have to desire it more to help hurting people than to help myself or it won’t be right. The only way to achieve that is to start helping NOW.

The answer to that “why” question is so that I can fulfill my dream. I can’t fully, altruistically begin to help others until I take the “me” factor out of the equation. The house situation has been part of a test that God designed to help me mature spiritually, to become the kind of follower He wants me to be before I can help others.

Am I flawed? No doubt. Will I need to completely eradicate my greed and envy before I begin? Not possible. The realization and admission of my flaws helps me, though, gain credibility with you, unlike certain pompous and famous people who can’t admit a fall even when we can all see how low they’ve sunk, or who do admit it only as an attempt to gain more credit, fame or power.
namaste, friends!

I’ve been in Bible study at my too-conservative church for 3 weeks now, and for the first time, I’m hearing people feel out contradictions in the Bible.

For people who believe the Bible is verbotim, that is, that each and every story in actually happened, this is somewhere between devastating & scary to terribly confusing.

I do not, however, take it that way. Even if the Bible is the inerrant word of God, why does it have to be literal?

Let’s take the story of Noah. Forget that it’s kind of technically impossible, or that there’s no scientific evidence, or even that it could have happened on a small scale (a riverbed overflowing a coastal town, all the animals owned by Noah’s family on the ark, etc.). What about the idea of the much older, Sumerian tale about a man named Noah, a shipbuilder, who packed all his animals on an ark to flee a town? Or that every culture has it’s own “world destroyed by flood story”?

So when inconsistencies are seen by literal believers, it’s a big deal.

I’m not a literal believer, and yet, I’m more of a true believer day by day. There is a reason for this. I’m a fiction writer and a fan of intelligent literature. (Example: I am thoroughly loving “Middlemarch” by George Eliot right now, and “To Kill A Mockingbird” is one of my favorite books.) As such, I do think that great literature can teach us many important truths. I work better with intelligent answers and responses, so it’s true for me.

For me, the use of metaphor is more beautiful and can better illustrate abstract concepts. I realize that the Bible was written in times when people were illiterate and learned with stories. I’m not saying I’m dumb, what I am saying is that the ability of our 3-dimensional minds can better grasp the deeper truth of the Divine with an illustration.

It’s like fine art. Some people will only see the surface painting, others will grasp an emotion, and still others can eloquently speak on what the painter was trying to convey…all while like at the same painting. I feel it’s the same with literature, and equally, the same with spiritual truths. What you get from the Bible depends on where you are at in your walk with God.

What’s your take?

Listening to the Contemporary Christian channel on Pandora.com and there is a great big ad for the new season of “Californication” picturing David Duchovny stuck between 2 super-young looking butts in itty bitty shorts.

Doesn’t Pandora have this relevant ad thing worked out yet???

I’ve updated my Gog Blog. Hallelujah! This theme works for me for now, but since I am a web designer, you know it won’t last. At least I’m on the latest WP, and auto-backup and upgrade are installed (sweated thru this install!)

Some new posts I’ll be blogging about:
-4 churches to choose from
-separation of state and politics

and a few others. Namaste, people!

Ok, so recently I posted that I had given in the Jesus issue and decided to try acceptance and becoming a “real” Christian. Also, I started going to a Bible study at my church. I’ve gone twice and haven’t felt comfortable. I thought the lovely people in my last church were conservative (I eventually befriended and stopped judging them), but they were relatively easy-going compared to these ladies. Also, the study itself is just really blowing apart the text of the Bible, no practical application or real-life stories, just “WHAT DOES IT SAY”, almost like a class you’d take in school.

Not really what I was looking for.

Last week we went back to our former church and were just swept up in the love of people hugging and kissing us, telling how much they missed us.

To be frank with you, I have NEVER felt this kind of warmth from people who were not relatives in my life (and honestly, not from some relatives at all). I was overwhelmed. This week, I was determined to keep up my weekly path and go to church. The sermon was about this book, “Just Walk Across the Room”. This annoyed me because several growth groups in the church are going through the books, if you’d want to attend, you just pay for the book and they assign you to a group at your convenience. The book is about evangelizing – that is, how to evangelize to people you do and do not know.

Now when you have as tenuous a hold on Jesus as I do, and then the pastor asks for you to complete a card asking “what did the person who saved you do”, what you really want to do is write is that you met God 15 years on a path that was founded by a Muslim (although it’s not a Muslim path) and that Christianity was one of many ways to God. That you’ve lost touch with the person who “brought” you to God, because she really didn’t, you were asking God to come to you and He did. That you’ve communed with Him, laughed with Him, been comforted by Him, been rescued countless times from despair, depression, financial ruin, injury, child health issues and even one time death, that He is already your all in all and has saved your soul despite the fact that you have no idea who Jesus is and you keep waiting for him to show but he never does.

It was then, in the middle of this, that I realized that Christianity – which so recently brought me a heart beat away from God – was now AGAIN pushing me away. Where is the Lord who stood in the corner with me when I accepted my daughter’s diagnosis of Down syndrome? Who showered me with His Essence of Comfort (His Holy Spirit, I believe) while coping wit the severity of Mom’s Alzheimers, who miraculously put mortgage money in our pockets for 6 months when we could not sell our old house, who blessed Amelia with a heart disorder that healed itself, who pulled me back from a stroke so severe the doctor said it was a “miracle” I had no permanent damage… Oh, I could go on and on.

I am not going to attend next Sunday because I cannot walk across the room to talk about Jesus, and I don’t want to be preached to about it. I can tell people all the time what my God, my Creator has done for me, I enjoy talking about it. But I’ve been put off again by Christians and it’s painful.

I don’t know if I should go to the Bible study. It feels like I shouldn’t. I’ll let you know what I decide.

OK, so I found myself really tired of this age-old “who is Jesus” debate that I have had daily, weekly, hourly, and I decided well, let me just try it, and thought back to when I was a kid and Christianity actually really meant something.

I did at my church, that silent prayer thing, and then spoke to the pastor, and he prayed for me, and I’m not sure if it can really be official because I’m such a heretic and I really don’t understand the whole God-is-Jesus-but-not thing. ANYWAY, I’ve talked about sin before, and I believe that while sin is sin, we all have different things to struggle with, and all at different levels. It may be difficult for someone to resist drugs or committing crimes, while others may have just a hard time not being nasty to the clerk at Walmart. The offenses are equal to God, because if you are aware that you are nasty to the clerk, then you KNOW you did wrong and if you’re not but you’re aware that stuffing that necklace in your pocket is immoral, same deal.

OK, so I have a lifelong battle. I think each of us in our successive lives (see? heretic) has specific things to work through, perhaps we each have one abstract thing (for me it’s pride) and one concrete thing. The concrete thing I will not share, but it’s been with me a long time.

I had thought I’d more or less conquered it, and then out of the blue it came up the other day, and I faltered. But it was different than all the OTHER times I faltered, and asked forgiveness. This time I could see nothing but the ugliness, pain and pure misery that came out of me giving into temptation, and when I asked forgiveness, with the intention to repent, I felt VERY different because I ABSOLUTELY knew I was forgiven, wouldn’t try it again (God willing), and it was OVER. Boom.

No: “well, has it been long enough since I sinned to be forgiven?”

No: “I hate myself, I feel horrible, God how can you stand me??”

No: “that’s the last time…well, maybe because (EXCUSE)(EXCUSE)(EXCUSE)”

Nope, just gone and done with sin.

NEVER in my life have I ever felt this, not in 12 years of Catholic school, or 42 years of family preaching, or Donald Miller books or on the Path or anything else did I ever feel…

dare I say?

GRACE.

Wow. Cool.

I’m sure the discussion is not over. Heaven as Christians define it sounds boring and yucky to me, the Bible can’t POSSIBLY be literal, Jesus can be MUCH debated as to his nature, and yea, muliple lives, I’m for it – it’s the philosophy where I met God.

But grace kicks all that out. Never got it before until YESTERDAY. Amazing …HA! I made a pun!

namaste, siblings, (as in we are all children of God, therefore you are my sibling)

I wanted to post this right after seeing the Larry King episode with the Chapman family, and then after hearing about John Edward’s infidelity, but suddenly a week has gone by and here I am late. These incidents are related in my opinion because they both deal with living a life of true faith within the pressures of real life.

They are different because they demonstrate a failure and a success.

I’m discussing these issues because my life of faith has been tested, hard, repetitively, and recently. I know I came out a success but I’m all too aware how easy it is to fail when the pressure is on.

I’d like to talk about the Chapmans. In case you don’t know their story, Stephen is a famous Christian artist. They have 6 children and in May, one of their sons ran over and killed their 5 year old daughter. On the Christian station I listen to, they portray them as 100% secure in God, in their faith and accepting of their disaster…but, I heard one clip where I thought I heard Stephen’s voice falter.

I don’t mean to belittle them. To be frank, I was kind of knocked out by them, they are amazing and especially amazing is how their children are handling the tragedy. That is pure faith, but I MOST touched by Stephen recalling holding his daughter’s body and saying some prayer like, “Don’t ask this of us.” Even with pure faith, we can still ask that this cup be taken from us.

For me, as much faith and fall backwards type trust I put in God through my through my own recent trials, I wished I could stop thinking, “Oh to have faith like that…” Because I knew it would result in more trials, and today, it did…it hasn’t come yet, but it may come very soon. And I’m scared, but I know God is with me because He’s been more than a voice in my ear or a tug on my heart. He’s taken me over when I just couldn’t deal anymore…and He made it ok.

I’m thinking every single day must be like that for the Chapmans. God has blessed them abundantly with strength and faith, may it never waiver.

But now, to John Edwards, who, as much as I could tell, lived his faith, and had a family of faith, a family that also lost a child, and yet, he failed by cheating on his wife. It seems she’s forgiven him, and God has as well, and his career is pretty much done for, so there are many consequences I’m sure to come, but I just was so disappointed. Does absolute power always corrupt absolutely? Bush, Clinton, Spitzer, McGreevey, Cheney, Rove, on and on…

In Jimmy Carter’s book, he discussed how incredibly difficult it was to remain true to your convictions and run the country, not just out of temptation but out of the sometimes necessity of compromise. Is it possible to have too much power to really remain firm in your convictions? Does the crushing pressure of public daily scrutiny and weighty responsibility leave more doors open to temptation?

I don’t know, but I do know that difficult times are not the times to start giving into temptation and yet they are times when it’s easiest to falter, even if God is at hand.

Well, this thing on Christianity is killing me.

The more I read and listen to preachers, the more I get the sense that you honestly DO need to believe the Bible literally and completely to be a Christian. Well, I can’t. Here’s why:

The only way it could be accurate in its current form is if the thousands of scribes and verbal communicators and everyone else who ever laid hands on transmitting books or passages of the Bible could only transmit with divine inspiration. In other words, God would have to move every piece on the chessboard, every moment.

But this is in direct conflict with Free Will, a necessary tenant of the faith – AND is pretty contradictory to the God I know. He can’t MAKE you do anything. So the Bible cannot be 100% accurate, or He is 100% controlling.

I’m not going to go as far as to say “erego Christianity is wrong”.

But I’ve been listening to some respected preachers and they have taught things I believe and sense in my gut to be dead wrong.

For example, evolution – which I was taught in Catholic school, it was no big deal back then – is racist. (I must have been absent the day they taught that one.) Oh yea and Darwin was a racist. Because, ya know, most of the people living in 19th century were forward thinking, civil rights activists. YEA.

And here’s one that from my own experience is CLEARLY not true: “It’s as if God had His back turned on us UNTIL we accepted Christ as our savior.”

Well, since I’ve been walking in step with God since 1993, AND since I really still don’t have a handle on the whole Jesus thing (I don’t FEEL Him personally like I do God or His Holy Spirit), this is flat OUT WRONG.

Don’t even go down the road that these things I’ve learned are not of God, that it has not been the Real God with me, because I specifically and to the point asked for HIM. It would be wrong of HIM if he allowed anyone else to show up.

That is where I am at. It is miserable and painful, but I cannot make this final leap. I try, I leap, I jump, I miss. I pray, I study, I hope, I miss. I accept, I speak the words, I think the thoughts, I miss. The belief is not coming. I cannot push it any other way. I am doing my best with this, but if evangelicals are too be believed, it looks like Hell for me.

Now THAT would not be just in the least.

There’s no doubt about it: temptation is easier to fight when you are healthy. Proper nutrition, exercise, sleep and just generally not sick help me when I battle.

So it’s no surprise that 3 hours of sleep last night has put me on the down side of temptation. I gave into something I thought I licked.

I cannot feel self-hatred, only bitterly disappointed because this is my Achilles Heel, and it means that God is far from me now.

What is the length of time, I always wonder, before I can ask for forgiveness and beg mercy? I had opportunities during the temptation period to resist, to pull, to not go as far as I did. My prayers for help did not go unanswered, only my response to rise above and STOP lacked. I feel remorse and disgust at my actions, but I don’t feel worthy as yet of even asking forgiveness when it was so deliberate.

It’s like addiction, only if the alcoholic were learned cured. What I really need is a spiritual partner. My own partner shot down the idea that I could conceivably lick this sin this weekend and that little devil has been sitting on my shoulder ever since.

Given that sleep is not an option right now (my little one is having to hard a time sleeping), then that must mean that I am strong enough to defeat temptation even at its most difficult point: when my body is suffering fatigue.

We fall, we get up, we try again, but sometimes we can’t – or shouldn’t – get up to fast. To wallow in our fallenness is to feel the sting of our incorrect actions. Suffering, not for the sake of suffering, but to learn our lesson better and better this time.

This road is difficult but someday, somehow I shall overcome, with God’s grace.