What Next, God?

Dealing With Sickness
It’s been a while since I’ve posted because I’ve been sick. When I say this, I don’t want you to think I have some terminal illnes, however, I have been CHRONICALLY sick for the last few weeks. It all started on Labor Day with a nasty flu. Since then I’ve had 2 stomach viruses, another bout with the flu, 100s of flea bites, a broken toe, and a never-ending cold which kicked off a NASTY sinus infection, which in turn kicked off the cold again. I’m feeling rather like Egypt in the days of Moses, or maybe Job. In fact, it got so bad at one point that in trying to be optimistic, I had to thank God that I didn’t get the plague.

I’m a bit fed up and incredibly drained, especially since both kids are sick too and waking up in the night. My poor 3 year old had to miss her first field trip. I needed some spiritual clarity. During my days on the Path to Perfection, I learned that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I realized that in my illness, which is now just becoming part of my life, I had to turn to God for the answers. At first I thought this was a payment of some kind. I’ve learned from experience that physical illness can often be a manifestation of spiritual illness, and that God often uses illness to get our attention.

I was a little stumped, though, because my faith and trust in God has never been stronger. My learning has grown daily, my prayers are growing towards continual, and my Bible reading is pretty heavy. I’m learning to turn my ear, my heart and my will towards God in all things. I’m not perfect yet, and yes, there is still a ways to go, but I’m progressing as fast as God will allow.

So what’s the deal??

Looking to God for Answers
I recalled this week that my aunt/godmother had sent me a Bible study pamphlet some months back about sickness and healing. I looked into my spiritual file and there it was. I sat down and began reading. Every incident in our lives is a lesson, so what could the lesson be? I was not more than 6 pages in when I figured out at least part of it.

I’ve really struggled with my own weaknesses lately. I know the scripture that when we are weak, God’s strength is sufficient for us (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I THOUGHT I was letting God be strong, but now I know I was wrong.

Excuses for Sin
You see, I’m a pretty strong person myself, IF I am healthy and well-rested. I can do my duties, work towards perfection, repent, act godly, be charitable, be a great mom and wife, and so on. BUT when I’m NOT healthy, it all falls to hell. I lose my temper. I resurrect sins I should have repented from. I curse and argue in front of my kids. I get pissed off at everyone. I get annoyed by my own precious and so-young kids.

I’m embarrassed to say that not only do I do this, but I KNOWINGLY use illness and tiredness as an excuse for bad behavior. It’s a sort of “God knows I’m sick, He’ll give me a pass” mentality.

Hardly godly of me.

Releasing Control to God
I’ve learned through what I’ve gone through of this Bible study that God needs me to REALLY be trusting in his strength. Maybe I can do it, but probably not and I certainly can’t do it well. The lesson is to sit back and let God’s strength and energy flow through me, to put God in the driver’s seat.

The real moral, beneath the lesson? My trust in my own strength is simply PRIDE. Yuck, that ugly root of so many sins rises its head AGAIN. It’s the hardest thing for me to combat. What I need to do is to completely turn over my work and duties to the Lord, and step back from my own laurels.

Pray for me. This is a toughie.

I don’t know how else to say this, except to tell you that in all circumstances, big or minor, with difficulty or not, with whatever it takes, that God always wants you to do the right thing. Now it’s true that sometimes you DON’T know the right thing to do, but a person of true faith will always know the wrong thing to do.

How to Do the Wrong Thing:
Case in point: On Thursday while running errands, I decided to stop by Gertrude Hawk Chocolatest see if I could buy a small package for my secret sister.  I’m nearly broke, but I missed her September gift, and will have to double up this month. Hawk is fairly expensive chocolate but every now and then you can find something good. I was there with my 3 year old and without a stroller. You know that cliche about a kid in a candy store? Ugh…

They had a basket of little candy spiders which were foil wrapped chocolates in a basket, completely at 3 year old hand level. (Is that some kind of marketing scam/ploy thing? When your kid steals the chocolate you’re forced to pay?) Ok, so my 3 year old stole the chocolate. She doesn’t grasp the concept of ownership or buying or store property yet, as evidenced by the many things she tried to steal in Disney World. Now I have never shoplifted, and my spiritual lessons have taught me there is no such things as “free” – unless you are in deep, true need and God is providing. But if you plan on “getting away” with something for nothing, you will invariably lose something else, usually something MORE valuable, than what you thought you got for free. HOWEVER, I felt a dilemma here. I only had a few dollars on my business credit card (and wasn’t thinking about minimum charges when I was stupid enough to walk into the store), nothing in the house account, and ZERO change OR cash in my wallet. In fact, just the day before I’d taken all the change out to show Amelia how to use her piggy bank.

I was confused and embarrassed, and so I started to leave – only to hear the clerk say, “OK, before you go you will have to pay for the chocolate that your daughter took.”  I wasn’t sure – thought she may have seen her but I guess I WAS trying to get away with it, ashamed by my lack of cash. I looked at her.

“Well, how much is it?” I secretly was hoping it was near minimum charge amount, but I doubted that.

“It’s 29 cents.” She held out her hand for my payment.

“Well, what is your minimum charge?” She looked at me like I was crazy. “I’m serious, I’ll have to grab something, I don’t have any change or cash at all on me.”

“Can’t you come back and pay for it later?”  To be absolutely frank, I was dead broke and wasn’t even sure I had enough gas for the week to make another visit to town.

“Can’t I just charge some stuff? What’s the minimum?”

She was flustered and started speaking down to me. “It’s 29 cents. You have to pay it or it will come out of my paycheck.” (Really? Don’t they ever drop ANY of those quarter sized candy pieces and lose them? Do they inventory every shift?)

Ok that’s me being bitter. I asked again about the minimum charge, while making sure that Amelia didn’t grab anything else. As I recall she mentioned me coming back AND her paycheck several times. Readers, don’t mock her. It’s tough times we live in. Or maybe she’d already lost out on a small purchase in her last paycheck or got in trouble for it.

“Ok forget it,” she said, obviously bitter and not really forgetting it herself.

“Look, I’ll search the car–”

“No, no forget it.”

Well, I did leave and search the car. EVERY INCH OF IT. I found 6 sticky pennies, not a thing more. I was SO HUMILIATED. What else could I do but leave?

How To Do the Right Thing
As I drove away, I tried to think what I could have done different.

God enlightened me. I could have stepped up as soon as I caught Amelia eating the chocolate and said, “Gee, miss, I’m so sorry. My daughter ate one of these chocolates. I don’t have any cash at all but if you could tell me the minimum charge, I’ll purchase something and pay for it on there.”

To which I have NO doubt her reply would have been (with a smile):
a. Sure, the min is $–. Thank you for being honest, let me ring you up.
b. Oh it’s only 29 cents. Don’t worry about it.

Instead I tried to hide and humiliated myself, my daughter, and pissed off the clerk. So always ALWAYS do the right thing, even if it’s about 29 cents because the COST of that little escapade was sin, and a soul pain that made 29 cents seem like a million dollars.