What Next, God?

I’m leaving for closing momentarily and packing up the PC on return.  Comments will be moderated when I’m back online, so it’s all in Verizon’s hands.

Pray for us. So far nothing has gone right with the closing, the house selling or the mortgage and my faith is greatly being tested.

God’s still with us, right??

I know that real Christians wouldn’t agree, as the person who posted the other day, “All religions are but one…”, a quote by Ostad Elahi, but God keeps telling me in different forms it is the same. Now, it is true that the Lord had called me to be Christian at this time, and for this I’ve…well, I’ve taken the leap that wasn’t exactly faith, but wasn’t exactly NOT faith. I “chose” to believe because I felt this was God’s call on me at this time. In addition, following Christianity closely and devoutly has made everything in life just WORK better. (By that, I mean even the bad horrible unchangeable things.) On the Path, we were taught to experiment with concepts and that if we did, we would undoubtedly meet and begin a relationship with God. This was 100% true for me, the Path taught me how to get and grow faith – something that NEVER happened for me with the Catholicism or Christianity I was raised with.

And as I continue to muse on and wander what the nature of Christ really is, all the while accepting that He was a worthy sacrifice necessary to erase our sins from God, I move closer and CLOSER to God even while my questions become deeper. It’s not that the questions are getting harder, it’s that the answers…well, even when they don’t come, I’m ok. I don’t NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW anymore.

But sometimes, an answer comes when you least expect it. I was lying with my baby in the dark, getting her off to sleep, and a temptation came to mind. I could almost hear the enemy laughing that I would give in, but I just laughed back. I’ve learned that an EXCELLENT way to fight even the most difficult temptations is to praise God, loudly if possible. I praised Him softly (so Zoe could sleep), and thought again on the nature of Christ. I can only praise and worship God, if Christ is God then I can worship Him, but if Christ is a man with the essence of God, then I can only praise that essence. In thinking this, it occured to me that on the Path, we are taught that God forgives all sins (if you ask), but not the sins of others – you still need to make retribution and make things right with them, and this could take many lives. And you must improve yourself – struggle to overcome your imperious nature and have the nature of God.

Christianity teaches (the way I believe) that Christ forgives all sins, but you in all reality still must make restitution and gain forgiveness of your brothers & sisters. We are commanded as well in Christianity to forgive others “as your father in heaven forgave you”. Wesleyan doctrine teaches Christian perfection – and I think most Christian doctrines teach self-improvement – as a way of becoming more Christ-like. In fact, we should struggle to be “mistaken” for Christ. In Christianity, though, we are taught we only have one life.

And so, for me, the two disparate Paths are becoming one road less travelled. Continuing my journey, every day, every way, I remain, your faithful servant in God.

Lesson learned AGAIN.  Meaning if it’s a teeny tiny thing, doesn’t matter.  If you waffle for a MICROSECOND, don’t do it.  At all.  Leave it out or take the long way, if that’s the cost of not doing any little error.  It can all come back.

I’m up to my eyeballs in frustration, remorse, doubt, fear, exhaustion, and regret.  I need a break from being human, really.

The further along you are on the road to perfect, too, the more the little errors eat you alive.  The ones that involve others devour you whole.

How on earth do we navigate this humanity?  It’s so hard, and tiring, and when you’ve been deprived sleep for any reason, and life is crowding you with bad stuff, and all you really want to do is weep and weep, rather than your responsibilities, how do you handle it?

I know, I know, with prayer, but on days/weeks like this it’s so hard.  I’ve been walking around with a stone in my stomach because of one person, and that stone has had this ripple effect on me trusting others.  Given the history of last year, where my beloved family member shut me out completely, I cannot trust people dear to me, much less strangers, or clients, or prospects, or colleagues or anyone.  Which makes me a lousy business woman, and for the 10th time this month, I’m thinking I should maybe quit. I’m walking on eggshells and keep breaking them anyway.

This is a lovely one:

Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. (NLT version)

In fact I liked this one so much and thought I HAD mastered it!

And then December came…

Trust is Not the Issue
As far as trust, my husband can trust me. I think most people think of this as in not cheating, but it meant more, I’m sure, when it was written. I’m his number one champion, I wish him the best, and I love him truly. I don’t spend without him knowing, don’t dis him on gifts because “things are not going well so too bad”, and try very hard to fix our communication issues within myself.

But I have to be honest. We’ve been fighting like crazy the last few months, and this is me being more Christian than ever. So what’s the deal?

Complain, complain, complain…
Well, maybe it’s part two of that sentence: “she will greatly enrich his life”. This was what I thought I’d mastered, but one day Chris came home and said that all I do is COMPLAIN.

Wow. Caught, tried and convicted.

There’s one thing I’m pretty sure of: a complainer cannot enrich ANYONE’S life. Here I was, *thinking* that I was doing my best by him, and he was hearing nothing but complaints that he wore on himself.

Excuses
How did this happen? I’m not sure, but it is true that we’ve been under a LOT of stress in 2006. My sister sort of parted ways with me. She’s much older but I’ve always subconsciously thought of her as my best friend. I can’t describe the pain, it was so bad. I’ve lived a VERY blessed life, no one that turned out to be worthwhile in my life hurt me that bad. There’s a million other life changes last year, and it took me weeks and months to recuperate from them.

That is still no excuse. I did not mean to hurt him in this way. In fact, I feel that I try very hard to enrich his life. We go to church every week – not because I pushed him, but because I stepped back and let God lead. I have prayed so hard and strong for him in 06, and I can hardly believe how incredibly some of those prayers have been answered. So perhaps my small and fervent voice has enrichened him somewhat.

See Yourself Through Other’s Eyes
But his view of me is not what I thought it should be. I’m complaining less, but still doing it – and he’s still hearing it. Every time he does, I’m ashamed.

In fact, I complained so much about his mother, who spent a LOT of time helping us this year – even when she clearly didn’t want to – that he almost didn’t spend Christmas with her. God provided me a way around that, but I hope I’ve learned my lesson.

Quit Your Griping
Step one on the journey to virtue for me is STOP COMPLAINING. Oh, I trust God, I have hope, I’m optimistic, I’m joyous, and fairly peaceful. But I write a lot, and nothing makes a good story like a really good complaint. Yea, there it is, again, beneath the sin of any one thing seems to always lie PRIDE. And pride cometh before a fall. I really DON’T need any falling down NOW, so I’ll just suck it up and say you’re right, I’m wrong.

I’m closing my mouth more now, stopping a fight one sentence in, and apologizing faster, more honestly. I feel like things are a bit precarious now, and like Dr. Phil says, you can only change yourself.

Do you complain a lot too? Do you complain so much that when you honestly believe you’ve stopped complaining, you are still being called on it by those around you? Take a moment and pray it out:

Oh God, show me every time I start to complain, let me identify it exactly for what it is, and give me the strength to stop it by remembering that we are none of us perfect, we are not better than anyone else in Your Eyes, and we are all forgiven. Give me the insight to see myself as I truly am, and help me to be more Christ-like to be the wife he needs, to build my husband up and not wear him down with my dreary words. Amen.

Well, I’ve decided to go through the Proverbs 31 woman line by line.

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.” (NLT version, forgive the “wife” part.)

I realized that while I knew what virtue meant, I couldn’t put a textbook definition to it. So I looked it up at Dictionary.com and NO WONDER! I got several versions of “moral excellence”. Which leads to: well, what does THAT mean? Morality is too subjective.

But further down the page, WordNet had this definition:

1. the quality of doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong

Ah! Well that’s better. So a virtuous woman cultivates, as much as humanly possible, the quality of doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong. Much of those are pretty clear in Christianity, and I believe, in all the great religions, avoiding of course topics of long-time debate.

The capable part is easier. I can tell you what a capable woman is:

• She may not cook a lot or often, but her family gets fed, 3 meals a day. Usually.
• She may lose socks ALL the time, but there’s clean laundry SEVERAL days a week, even if it’s still piled in the dryer – or on top,
• She knows when you run out of something. Period.
• She knows when to hug & kiss, when to step back and take a breath and when to lay down the law with time outs when disciplining her little ones.
• She brings home some of the bacon, and when needed, more than expected.
• She thinks her husband is the BEST, even though sometimes he tries her patience. But afterward, she only loves him MORE.
• She keeps her brain smart, her opinions well-informed, and her appearance neat if not gorgeous every day.
• She HATES being sick, since it ruins most of the above.

OK, so I’m capable and I’m truly on the path to virtuous. I don’t really FEEL anywhere as precious as rubies – well, ok, I guess I do – to God, to my husband and to my kids. That’s all that matters, right?

Goal for the week: more choices for the “right thing” especially in terms of patience and quality time with kids and hubby.