What Next, God?

It’s been a crazy weekend, life-changing really, and so I’d like to share.

Today we went, for the 2nd time, to our nearest Wesleyan church and we already feel comfortable there. It is quite a SMALL church, smaller than our good old Stroudsburg Wesleyan was when we first started. There’s only one service, it’s in a small church, and it wasn NOT standing room only, but it was fairly full. It was BLENDED not contemporary, which is ok but not my favorite. Not too many people lifting hands, but a few is better than none.

So I’ve been ruminating if we should continue going, and of course that’s God’s decision. Today I mentioned to Chris that I had some doubts – there’s not a lot of young couples, mostly older folks, and no weekly Bible study I can attend (there is one but not at a good hour). He then said that he kind of feels that we should continue and see what happens. I countered that they would NEED to grow, and this would CLEARLY mean we’d have to get involved to make it the kind of church we want it to be (and the way the church wants to go) and he said he knew that.

I was floored. My husband doesn’t share with me spiritually, I can never tell where he’s at on an enlightened path, some days I wonder if he’s there at all, and then he knocks one over my head like this.

Then, sitting there, I found that I did want to move more towards Christ and Christianity (despite my earlier post), and realized that that has to do with the fact that I’ve only been to service 3 times since I lived here (jan 30-mar 25). Of course logic brain kicked in and said, “That’s because they’re very convincing”, but that just annoyed me. I don’t know, but I feel comfortable being Christian and acting Christian, I’m comfortable with the love and kindness of these true Wesleyans, and I’m becoming more fearless, despite my liberal leanings and all THAT sort of disagreement counters in the faith.

And I’m tired, so so so TIRED of walking uphill alone in the Path Less Travelled.

I did really feel that we were meant to move here for SOMETHING, and if I don’t get closer to Jesus and fully go that route, I can’t explain the … uncomfortable, unsorted feeling I’m getting inside.

That’s enough depth for tonight. Most of my other comments had to do with writing and finding a new career path, and also my hopes and dreams of turning this site into a social networking place. More on that later…

I’m still having struggles with Christianity.  One of the big drawbacks to me is the exclusivity.  Oh, I know you’ve heard this argument before, but it’s really, um, not right.  This is why, too, I think that parts of the Bible were NOT divinely inspired, but politically motivated (years later I’m sure).  I mean, Christianity was often used as a tool to control the masses.

It’s often said, Well, people have a choice.

Do they? Which people?  Mentally ill people – do they have a choice?  16 year olds, who don’t have full maturity or brain development?  What of the entire nation of brain washed from birth people in North Korea?  Where are their choices, and what is choice if you don’t have the capacity to see all the choices or understand them?  Do they get a free pass to heaven, while the rest of us have wrestled day and night with every sin and temptation?

I’ve been asking God to reveal the truth to me, but a silent God is tricky to decipher.  We all know what answers I will find in the Bible, so where can I get a more objective answer?

And then my brain said to me today, You’re struggling with this truth because the real truth is written on your soul, and you don’t have the courage to embrace it.

On the path we learned that once your soul learns a spiritual truth, it can’t UNlearn it.  That would hardly be fair.  I believe this.  Ultimately, you can choose to ignore what you’ve learned, or put your fingers in your ears and pretend you didn’t hear it, but it’s still there inside you.  PERMANENTLY.

But Christianity stuck its nefarious head in and said, “Well, that could be the devil.”

It’s this line that drove me away from Christianity so many years ago.  When God did take me under His Glorious Wing, there was no doubt, there was none of this nonsense, but as soon as we add this exclusivity issue, doubt ensues and God’s Hand feels farther away.

And we all know who’s hand DOUBT belongs to, and what it can lead to.

So am in incorageous, or just cautious?  Timid, or careful?  Lukewarm IS NOT what I want to be, but I haven’t yet been swept up in that “Oh yes, this Jesus IS my savior!” passion, not at all.

I’ve been gone a long, LONG time, and it’s been a deep, dark night of the soul. I stupidly thought I’d give up anger for Lent, after all, a Proverbs 31 Woman couldn’t possibly give vent to anger? True, but P3W I apparently am NOT.

We settled in our new home, the night after a serious accident (we are fine, car was not), a horrible closing where we ended up with a higher monthly mortgage than expected, and soon after a stolen radio. Our deductible for the accident was far higher than we thought too, and this place started looking like the money pit. We were phoneless and without internet, which in my business, costs me money.

I was lost, forlorn, without a church home too. (I still am.) But in the midst of this, God sent me a passage:

Now I tell you to settle there and build houses. Plant gardens and eat what you grow in them. Get married and have children, then help your sons find wives and help your daughters find husbands, so they can have children as well. I want your numbers to grow, not to get smaller. Pray for peace in Babylonia and work hard to make it prosperous. The more successful that nation is, the better off you will be.

Jer.29:4-7

God has made it plain that he planted us here, purposely. See my emphasis above? In moving here, we did what I did not think was possible: we built our own house. My thinking had been to come here, and stack the shelves with brownies to bring to the neighbors as they move in (none yet). Funny thing is, this is verbatim what my secret sister said to me at our Christmas luncheon.

And while my Christianity is flagging, particularly with Sundays of no church, my faith in the One God is not, and while I cannot share what I do not have, I CAN share what I do.
Now that I’m re-reading this passage I see another thing too. I did the unthinkable, I applied for a pretty good job. And – even though I haven’t interviewed or gotten a callback or truly applied much in 8 years – I made it to round 2 of the interviews. And that fits to “work hard to make it prosperous”. Wow.

I’d like to be back on track. I tried to go to the nearest Wesleyan church and just couldn’t find it this morning. I’ll need to try again, I guess. Weeks on end without corporate worship are NOT the same, and my strength is waning.

Pray for me.