FUNNY TIMES
This has been a funny time for me. I’m attending this conservative church, somewhat feeling the love, but again, feeling less than Christian, JUST AFTER feeling SO Christian.
The pastor asked for who needed prayer a few weeks back to get Jesus in their life as king so I raised my hand.
When I do my day to day, and try to visualize Jesus there, what he’d do, it works, but it’s not the same as literally believing him to be God.
EVIDENCE?
I had read “More than a Carpenter”, I’ve read most of “Mere Christianity”, but in all deference to the other side (and my REAL opinion), I found myself in Borders bookstore after years of wanting to go. It was NO New York City store, pickings were WAY slim and none of the books I wanted were there. I ended up with “Bee Season”…and “Misquoting Jesus”. I stumbled upon it, but we already know I believe there are NO accidents, right?
TRUTH AND THE WORD
“Misquoting” turned out to be the book I was looking for all this time. I skipped to the end, very disappointed that the author was now agnostic (or in M. Scott Peck’s world view, which I embrace, he’s on the 3rd step of spirituality), for reasons I was surprised by. This book lays out for the lay person the real deal regarding scholarly Biblical translation, much of which I had already suspected since way back in high school.
Then I had some Divine confirmation. Chapter 2 reviewed how early scribes – intentionally and unintentionally – had the problem of miscopying texts. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that the earliest copiers were members of the church it self – and barely if at all literate. Many were just transposing symbols. It was a few centuries after the death of Jesus before trained, professional scribes would do the copying.
I longed to hear God’s opinion on this. I sat up and read chapter 2 through in the night, and in the morning went to my Bible – as I do daily – for my daily bread. What verse? Jeremiah 8:8:
But, behold, the false pen of the scribes hath wrought falsely.
In NLT, it’s far worse than that, but it echoed what the book wrote about it (which in fact, enlightened me about that threat in Revelation about adding to or deleting from The Word). So for me, God confirmed that it is NOT literally divinely inspired…and THAT I can get to.
CHRISTIANITY ON THE DEFENSE
The fact is that no matter how hard I try, or do not try, how hard I push OR let go, I cannot believe this Christian thing. I know that real Christians will come down on me, or pray for my soul, or have some very sound – sounding arguments and why I should “get” them, but it just doesn’t ring true.
Back in the Christian seminars I was taking – 101, I believe – we were told that “it just has the ring of Truth”. I understood that, because Real Truth speaks to your soul and DOES have that ring.
Christianity doesn’t have that sound to me. Perhaps at a certain level, it does, or did, or will, but where I am now the truth sounds frighteningly silent.
THE LONLINESS OF THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED
Unfortunately, I’ve found that rather than being reassured that my earlier journeys on the Path were not ONLY a tool for God to bring me to Christianity but in fact indicative of The Real Truth, I am being deeply saddened. This is strange, though, because I’ve long thought it fool-hardy to believe the Bible as literal (no offense to anyone).
I’m wondering where I head from here. I had a chance to join a group that had some alternate thinking on Christianity – even though much of what was said sounded fairly Orthodox and traditional to me. I had to let that opportunity go because of a choice I was required to make with a loved one, and that’s ok.
The pastor at the Wesleyan church prayed over us during the passion service on Friday and wants us to get involved in ministry. Do I? Don’t I? What do I do? I will continue there for my husband, anything that brings him to God is a good thing, but how do I serve when I don’t share the faith? Do I continue with communion?
I am so lost. I am so alone.
And the kick in the pants is that I KNOW I’m not alone, I just don’t know how to connect with others like myself.
I’m wondering if it might not help you if you added some liberal Christians into your spiritual mix. Other people who also don’t try to interpret the Bible as if directly dictated word for word by God, and who believe that God will save other peole as well as Christians. They might be hard to find locally–I don’t have any idea–but it seems to me that part of your feeling of isolation might be that in a sense you are still isolated even when among fellow Christians. I’m not suggesting that you leave that particular church–but if you could find people to share and talk with who feed these other parts of your soul–even a few–that could help a lot. There are many such people in the world, but they tend to be quieter than more conservative Christians, so it may be harder to locate them. Maybe if you prayed to be led to some. . . There are also churches which are more liberal.
With regard to your earlier post on exclusivity–I don’t know if you’ve run across it, but there is a strain of Christian Universalism in the world. A couple of books you might like to read:
If Grace Is True: Why God will save every person, by Phillip Gulley and James Mulholland
The Inescapable Love of God by Thomas Talbott
The first is more personal. Talbott does a careful Biblical exegesis, that you may or may not find convincing–but at least it shows that Christians have and do interpret things differently from the dominant theology.
I was raised Methodist, and swallowed it whole until I couldn’t any more. For years I simply avoided church and organized religion of any kind, but eventually, for reasons too lengthy to go into, I decided I needed to seek out others who at least were also on a path of seeking of some kind. I hesitantly went to my local Unitarian church–and found Universalism as an added bonus. UU isn’t entirely satisfying for me, and it wouldn’t even come close for you I don’t think, but even if universalism is not for you–and it isn’t for most people–it’s emphasis on love and grace might be refreshing for you.
I don’t mean to sound like I”m proselytizing–I’m just wanting to give you hope that theres are others out there who share your beliefs and concerns, and that you’ll find them.
Addofio,
Thank you for your words, truly! You actually DON’T sound like you are proselytizing. Faith without community is very difficult, I learned that years ago on the Path to Perfection. Faith without like-minded community is a difficult challenge as well.
Something similar is stated in your Sharer’s Creed (http://addofio.wordpress.com/sharers-creed/) which I very much agree with. I’m going to blogroll your link.
Thank you for the reading suggestions. They sound like something I have interest in at the moment – grace is an incredibly difficult concept to wrap my brain around.
I myself have thought that perhaps I need to investigate other modes of faith, other believers in Christianity, because I have learned through experimentation that applied Christianity WORKS – deepens your relationship with God, with others, increases our peace, etc.
I’m deep in learning mode right now, so it is a good thing for me to study further (and further).
All I truly desire (and this was once something I paid lip service to ) is the Truth and closeness with the Lord and life/afterlife with Him (Him/Her?).