What Next, God?

I’ve been MUCH too MIA from this blog and I offer my apologies. Life has been tough. Since late January, the day before moving into our new home, we’ve had NOTHING but car trouble. 4 accidents, 2 mild but costly, 2 that totaled cars. Two used car purchases went badly and very badly. We are trying to get money back for broken guarantee. Car satellite radio (a gift from hubby) was stolen.

We even ran out of gas the other day, which blew a fuse and got us stuck. We were 5 driving minutes from home, but no where near a gas station with 2 hungry little ones in the car. After a few minutes we saw a cop car – can you say “God Moment”?

Little mishaps here and there with the cars are adding up, and with 2 mortgages still (we can only afford one), I’ve been job hunting my butt off. The bills are piled higher than my head, and my dreams of switching to a Mac, going back to the perfect school I just found, or even buying the last Harry Potter book are dashed.

I’ve been miserable, trying hard to focus on the small blessings (I’m NOT pregnant! yay! These blueberries are on sale and really good!) and the big (Two new clients! Two very good job prospects!). But it got hard today while I was picking up some food on our last few bucks, and then that song came on. I’m too tired to recall the singer (female) or the title but it talks about trying to find satisfaction for your soul in things like doing good, being good, kindness, etc.

The singer realizes that that’s not it – what is only satisfying is being God’s, belonging to Him, and letting Him love you.

I’ve been waiting on God to pay our bills, standing in the corner, arms folded, tapping my foot, saying , “When, Lord, when?” I’ve been doing my part but faith is hard when 2 mortgages are due in a few days with no means in sight. But when I heard that song today, I realized that no matter what happens, it doesn’t matter.

That’s right, it doesn’t matter. Even if we lost both homes and became homeless (God forbid), I have what matters. Perhaps this is the point God is trying to make.

Well, in my prior post about picking a church I COMPLETELY forgot that this is my husband’s church as well. He wanted to go back to the more distant, more liberal church – Hope – so we did. I hadn’t been in a while. Or, actually I’d missed a few weeks, and went twice I think in the last month to my old church.

Today was good because the sermon spoke to me and I needed it. (I don’t get that in the other church.) The kiddie room staff loves Amelia who now seems to have a crush on a boy who must be 10-12 years old. All the kids in the room and the staffers were calling out for her.

After service, the pastor came up and spoke with us. He mentioned seeing us to our former pastor at the the last local Wesleyan meeting a few weeks ago -which embarrassed me, because it is likely that the pastor from our closer Wesleyan church might have been right in ear shot at that time.

Anyway, he realized that we didn’t get a welcome notice, so he said he would get on that and that he would find us a growth group nearer to where we live. He doesn’t live as far as we do, but he is a bit closer to us so there will be groups in that area. And at the end of the month there is a church picnic.

Chris told him that I don’t highway drive and we were hesitant about coming, but the pastor mentioned that Lehigh has lots of backroads to get anywhere (as I am happily learning).

And if all that weren’t enough, he mentioned Jim Wallis in sermon, which is confirmation for me anyway. So it’s good to have a home and I’ll find a way there one way or another!

FAITH IS HARD
Sometimes when you’re waiting on something, faith gets hard.

Or impossible.

God has been helping us the last few months take care of 2 mortgages, because we still haven’t sold our old home. Now August looms with no way to make payment in site, and only one home offer – 10% below the asking price. Are they serious?

I’ve been losing heart over this, quite a bit. In fact, this weekend we saw my family and I forgot to add to Chris’ story the line I’ve been adding for months: “Really, we’re paying one mortgage and God’s paying the other.”

ANGRY WITH GOD
Have I lost faith? I don’t see any answer. So tonight I was very down on myself and told off God. Down to the wire – why does it always have to be this way? Why? Why can’t it either just be ok or be horrible? Hope is very painful when it comes down to this. I have not been able to bring the money in the last few weeks like normal, and never mind mortgage, there are bills too. I’m terrified and can’t see a way out or around or under or anything.

I know God can still come through, but I’m too tired. I feel like Cinderella – why do I always need God to be a like a knight in shining armor? This is not what I want.

CONFUSION
In fact, I’ve had a really hard time hearing God despite daily prayer and Bible readings. I don’t know what He wants of me, at all, anymore. I’m very very lost, and being lost causes me great pain, even more than loneliness. I’m not sure where to go, what to do, and this is all I’m sure of.

If you’ve been reading my Mom-Blog, you’ll know that my family has been extremely ill the last few weeks. Viruses, ear infections, sinus attacks and pinkeye have run rampant between my husband, my 2 kids, and me. Well, I think I’ve mentioned before that my own personal sin and temptation attacks most strongly when I am sick. I’m sure that part of that has to do with being weaker of will when we don’t feel good.

At any rate, I went for several days in a row of excruciating pain, plus body aches, sore throat, and runny nose. I managed to avoid my sin for a while, but I didn’t think I had enough willpower for much more illness. So when I started to think the pain was receding, I got pinkeye. (The kids had it forever without me getting it, so it was weird.) That was only uncomfortable for one day, and the following day I felt much better – weak, but better. That night I got attacked by sinus allergies, painful ones. My temptation was not over, it seemed.

In fact, I got these horrible attacks for the next few nights. It occurred to me, at some point, that these were not exactly attacks but more like tests – a la Job. I had gone through a week of illness and fought the temptations with worship – even through my pain – and they were not done yet. I felt as if the devil were somewhere going, “God, one more day – one more night – she’ll fall, you’ll see!” In thinking that, it gave me more courage to try and succeed.

I’m happy to say that I pulled it out. In fact the last time I considered my temptation it had barely any attraction at all.

You may think this is no biggie, but for me, it is. It’s something I’ve been battling since my youth and to me, that is an awesome victory. But it’s not mine, it’s God’s. He helped me pull this out. It was His Voice in the back of my head, night after night, saying (softly) we can we this, you and I. Hang in there.

I hope I don’t get tested for a while but I’m a realist and I know that to stay on this path accurately, more tests need to come. I will take them as they rise.