What Next, God?

In light of my last post, I’ve been thinking a lot, and it occurred to me that through valleys of doubt, my relationship with God nearly always improves. And while I am in a significant area of skepticism right now, it’s a different kind of doubt – my faith in God Himself is still strong, it’s just the method of being a spiritual person that is dogging me. I hunger for the Real Truth, and i know that it’s something none of us will ever know in this plane of existence, unless of course the Path to Perfection is true and we become perfect while living.

That is something I’m so far away from. And I realized this morning that doubt CAN lead to sin, but it doesn’t have to. While we are in times of doubt, we need to hold tightly to our principles and to the faith that we have retained. We need to embrace our doubt to grow, but if we embrace it too tightly then either our ourselves, or others, or the Enemy can get in and cause the doubt to eradicate our morals.

Then I thought that maybe this IS part of my calling: to write to those who are disenchanted with their religions, that have found their spiritual selves growing outside the box of truth they’ve been following and to encourage them to hold on to their values. Even in the worst storm, your soul does not lose the truth it knows.

Tonight I finished watching CNN’s production of “God’s Warriors”, which I thought was PRETTY good, but not perfect, piece of journalism. On Night 1, “God’s Jewish Warriors”, Jewish beliefs were explored and they discussed their version of a Messiah coming. It was then that it struck me: Wow, I don’t believe in this.

Yes, that’s right – in my core heart, while I know this world will end, while I believe in an afterlife and an mighty, Creator, benevolent God, I just don’t see a Messiah coming to save us as anything that rings true in me.

So I was going to post what ELSE doesn’t ring true in my core: Jesus is the same as God. We are sorry, we repent, Jesus forgives and that’s it, it’s done. The Bible as literal. Noah, Jonah, Adam & Eve, Job as anything more than myths. There is only ONE TRUE religion, and it’s either Islam, Judaism, and Christianity, and everyone else is WRONG and probably going to hell forever.

Whew that feels better. It’s off my chest. Because, like, I really WANT to believe in Christianity. Which is NUTS, when I was raised with views from “we are all born with sin already on our souls” to “anyone who is a good friend could be a demon in disguise” and so much more. Really, the premise of real Christianity is awesome, even if it’s barbaric. But WANTING to believe something doesn’t always work.

When I was attending Stroudsburg Wesleyan, I went to their 4 part course – it’s meant to be a thing to lead congregants into ministry and I was all for that. But one of our pastors said, “It’s as simple as CHOOSING to believe.”

I took that to heart and have been CHOOSING to believe for 2 or maybe 3 years now, but it never sticks. Which leads me to the theory that it ISN’T that simple. In fact, it’s INCREDIBLY difficult to incorporate someone else’s doctrine as your own. Beautiful as Christianity is, awesome as the figure of Jesus, it’s not mine, He’s not mine. I’ve tried so very hard to make it true and it’s not.

Where does that leave me? Very perplexed. Time and again, I have described that I came to God through a path that’s much closer to Sufism (and even Islam) than anything else. On that path, we were taught that SOMEONE would come, that the world would end too. So if I buy the path, I am then wrong anyway because this “waiting for someone’s return” thing doesn’t feel or seem like a possibility.

Where do I go, now? Because like it or not, we DO live in a Christian society – not a right wing one, not yet, but a society ruled by Christian virtues and holidays like Christmas. Wishing it can’t make it so, and apparently living it can’t either.

I will STILL look for a Christian church though. I do believe in God, and corporate worship feels me with his Holy Presence, draws me nearer and fills me with a clarity that I barely EVER have in life. Maybe God doesn’t want me to be a Christian-I can’t say. I certainly don’t think I’m going to go to Hell for spending my whole life seeking the Divine and a true relationship.

namaste, fellow seekers.

Sometimes faith is hard. Life, as mentioned in previous post, has been tough, but I need to trust. The relevant scripture quote since I moved to this community in January has been from Jeremiah 29 (see sidebar), so I put it up to remind myself that God put us here and despite near financial ruin, God is continuing to provide.

Business has been picking up, in the nick of time, maybe after 7 years I’m finally learning how to market myself. I know there’s a way out of this hole, and I know that we will be fine financially. God willing after this, we will learn frugality and financial prudence.

Pray for me and also, pray for this blog. I have a friend in deep pain, pray for her too, and pray that through this blog I can find a way to help her.

Which is my way of telling you that I have big changes planned for this blog. I want to set up a kind of everyday spiritual reference, probably mostly or only Christian, from the view of a woman who’s walked with God but is still confused, just trusting. This blog can be my ministry if I set it up right, and this resource *maybe* can help my dear friend.

peace out, people.