What Next, God?

I admit it, I’ve been very hard on God the last few months. I’ve done way more than my usual share of grumbling and the money situation was down to the wire, and I told off God good.

Bad, bad idea.

Because just about right after I told the Lord off, we got a tenant in our old home (haven’t been able to sell it for a year). Next, we got a refund the dog from Chase, and not much later, got a refund from Chase on a very bad car deal. Things were going well, and a few extra jobs dropped into my lap.

Then I get a long term work opportunity, and since we are still in the hole, I jumped on it. I thought Ok, I can handle this.

But now, I’m reminded of the story in the Bible (Num 11:7-32). The Israelites were finally freed from slavery from the Egyptians, after 100s of years, and complained first about the journey, the food, how they were better off as slaves. So God sent manna – sweet, pastry-like bread. But after a long time of that, they complained AGAIN. They want meat, not stupid pastry. (Oh man, that sounds just like me.) So God gets PISSED. He says this:

Num 11:19 In fact, they will have meat day after day for a whole month–not just a few days, or even ten or twenty. They turned against me and wanted to return to Egypt. Now they will eat meat until they get sick of it.

Ouch. So I complained and complained. And now I have work on top of work (”I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I’m miserable now”). A client I’ve been waiting on for months is ready to go, another just passed me ANOTHER project, and I answered someone’s ad a week ago. He contacted me – by then, I didn’t want anymore work, but he told me not to worry I could handle it. And someone else passed me a client – maybe.

I’m a little nervous, but ok, I get it. God provides and no matter how close it comes, I need to trust.

No one ever told me that trusting could be such hard, hard work.

STRUGGLES
The thorny topic of my faith lately is something that to be frank, I’ve struggled with all my life. Some people have issues with a relationship with God, but I’ve always had one – even for the few weeks I didn’t have one. My battle right now comes from trying to accept Christianity – I want to, I just don’t see it or feel it yet.

BOOKSTORE SALVATION
Or do I? A few months ago, I read Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace?, and SO much of it made sense, in terms of how Christianity, thanks to grace, is a superior philosophy regarding healing and hurt.

So feeling a bit lost right now (and churchless), I went into the bookstore with $20 in mad money that hubby bribed me with to get me and the little one out of his hair for a bit. After much searching, I cam across Searching for God Knows What. I also had a John C. Maxwell business book and a book by the author of Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy With God in the Busyness of Life, but something about this book leaped out at me. I was looking in the Christian genre, but this one FELT right. Opening up a page – well, I can’t remember what I saw, but it pretty much said, “God wants you to get THIS book, Gina”.

So I did.

I knew I had the right choice when it opens about the author wanting to write a novel, and goes on to having epiphanies to The Smiths. (I was OBSESSED with the The Smiths in my early college years.) I almost wanted to write the author, but then I thought that perhaps I should read the book FIRST, rather than post some goofy, “Woohoo! We are amigas!” comment to his blog. Anyway at his site, I also saw a book that my old pastor preached on on Father’s Day. (It’s To Own a Dragon: Reflections On Growing Up Without A Father).

PUTTING GOD IN A BOX
I started reading it and was suddenly struck by the way people put God in a box. “Do this, do that”, and you’ll “get this, get that”. Don’t and you’ll go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I was mulling this over and my own induction into a conservative Christian church while a liberal in a time when liberalism became painfully out of date. (I’m still a liberal, if you’re wondering.) As I was pondering, a very CLEAR voice said to me, “Gina you’re the one who’s put me in a box.”

OUCH. I had. I wanted God to NOT be that Biblical God, but the God I had gotten to know – AND ONLY that version. I didn’t want to hear talk of hell and war and God’s wrath and all that.

OK, to be frank I still don’t. And honestly, I don’t really see AT ALL how Christ condones war. Seemed to be the ultimate peacemaker to me. And I still don’t get Christ or the sacrifice, or if the essence of common conservative Christianity is something I can do or feel or believe.

BUT I think about that a lot, and that’s ME putting God in my box. My version of Christianity can’t coexist with conservative Christianity – so does that mean it means nothing to me?

Does that means I’m wrong???

TRUTH IS??
Well, where on earth did I get that idea? Right and wrong ULTIMATELY is not subjective, but in our human skin God shows us different parts of the picture. No one who is not perfect sees it all, no matter what your church or your friends and family of faith might tell you. Only God sees the whole picture and He usually plays His cards pretty close – because it ain’t none of your business, now is it, UNLESS it concerns you?

Hm. Lots more to think on I guess. But don’t cha know, I stopped going to one church because the day I came in the pastor said, “Let’s continue to pray that God will tell us who to vote for president.”

MY God knows I can think for myself, and He loves me for it.