STRUGGLES
The thorny topic of my faith lately is something that to be frank, I’ve struggled with all my life. Some people have issues with a relationship with God, but I’ve always had one – even for the few weeks I didn’t have one. My battle right now comes from trying to accept Christianity – I want to, I just don’t see it or feel it yet.
BOOKSTORE SALVATION
Or do I? A few months ago, I read Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace?,
So feeling a bit lost right now (and churchless), I went into the bookstore with $20 in mad money that hubby bribed me with to get me and the little one out of his hair for a bit. After much searching, I cam across Searching for God Knows What.
So I did.
I knew I had the right choice when it opens about the author wanting to write a novel, and goes on to having epiphanies to The Smiths. (I was OBSESSED with the The Smiths in my early college years.) I almost wanted to write the author, but then I thought that perhaps I should read the book FIRST, rather than post some goofy, “Woohoo! We are amigas!” comment to his blog. Anyway at his site, I also saw a book that my old pastor preached on on Father’s Day. (It’s To Own a Dragon: Reflections On Growing Up Without A Father).
PUTTING GOD IN A BOX
I started reading it and was suddenly struck by the way people put God in a box. “Do this, do that”, and you’ll “get this, get that”. Don’t and you’ll go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I was mulling this over and my own induction into a conservative Christian church while a liberal in a time when liberalism became painfully out of date. (I’m still a liberal, if you’re wondering.) As I was pondering, a very CLEAR voice said to me, “Gina you’re the one who’s put me in a box.”
OUCH. I had. I wanted God to NOT be that Biblical God, but the God I had gotten to know – AND ONLY that version. I didn’t want to hear talk of hell and war and God’s wrath and all that.
OK, to be frank I still don’t. And honestly, I don’t really see AT ALL how Christ condones war. Seemed to be the ultimate peacemaker to me. And I still don’t get Christ or the sacrifice, or if the essence of common conservative Christianity is something I can do or feel or believe.
BUT I think about that a lot, and that’s ME putting God in my box. My version of Christianity can’t coexist with conservative Christianity – so does that mean it means nothing to me?
Does that means I’m wrong???
TRUTH IS??
Well, where on earth did I get that idea? Right and wrong ULTIMATELY is not subjective, but in our human skin God shows us different parts of the picture. No one who is not perfect sees it all, no matter what your church or your friends and family of faith might tell you. Only God sees the whole picture and He usually plays His cards pretty close – because it ain’t none of your business, now is it, UNLESS it concerns you?
Hm. Lots more to think on I guess. But don’t cha know, I stopped going to one church because the day I came in the pastor said, “Let’s continue to pray that God will tell us who to vote for president.”
MY God knows I can think for myself, and He loves me for it.