OK, so I found myself really tired of this age-old “who is Jesus” debate that I have had daily, weekly, hourly, and I decided well, let me just try it, and thought back to when I was a kid and Christianity actually really meant something.
I did at my church, that silent prayer thing, and then spoke to the pastor, and he prayed for me, and I’m not sure if it can really be official because I’m such a heretic and I really don’t understand the whole God-is-Jesus-but-not thing. ANYWAY, I’ve talked about sin before, and I believe that while sin is sin, we all have different things to struggle with, and all at different levels. It may be difficult for someone to resist drugs or committing crimes, while others may have just a hard time not being nasty to the clerk at Walmart. The offenses are equal to God, because if you are aware that you are nasty to the clerk, then you KNOW you did wrong and if you’re not but you’re aware that stuffing that necklace in your pocket is immoral, same deal.
OK, so I have a lifelong battle. I think each of us in our successive lives (see? heretic) has specific things to work through, perhaps we each have one abstract thing (for me it’s pride) and one concrete thing. The concrete thing I will not share, but it’s been with me a long time.
I had thought I’d more or less conquered it, and then out of the blue it came up the other day, and I faltered. But it was different than all the OTHER times I faltered, and asked forgiveness. This time I could see nothing but the ugliness, pain and pure misery that came out of me giving into temptation, and when I asked forgiveness, with the intention to repent, I felt VERY different because I ABSOLUTELY knew I was forgiven, wouldn’t try it again (God willing), and it was OVER. Boom.
No: “well, has it been long enough since I sinned to be forgiven?”
No: “I hate myself, I feel horrible, God how can you stand me??”
No: “that’s the last time…well, maybe because (EXCUSE)(EXCUSE)(EXCUSE)”
Nope, just gone and done with sin.
NEVER in my life have I ever felt this, not in 12 years of Catholic school, or 42 years of family preaching, or Donald Miller books or on the Path or anything else did I ever feel…
dare I say?
GRACE.
Wow. Cool.
I’m sure the discussion is not over. Heaven as Christians define it sounds boring and yucky to me, the Bible can’t POSSIBLY be literal, Jesus can be MUCH debated as to his nature, and yea, muliple lives, I’m for it – it’s the philosophy where I met God.
But grace kicks all that out. Never got it before until YESTERDAY. Amazing …HA! I made a pun!
namaste, siblings, (as in we are all children of God, therefore you are my sibling)