Ok, so recently I posted that I had given in the Jesus issue and decided to try acceptance and becoming a “real” Christian. Also, I started going to a Bible study at my church. I’ve gone twice and haven’t felt comfortable. I thought the lovely people in my last church were conservative (I eventually befriended and stopped judging them), but they were relatively easy-going compared to these ladies. Also, the study itself is just really blowing apart the text of the Bible, no practical application or real-life stories, just “WHAT DOES IT SAY”, almost like a class you’d take in school.
Not really what I was looking for.
Last week we went back to our former church and were just swept up in the love of people hugging and kissing us, telling how much they missed us.
To be frank with you, I have NEVER felt this kind of warmth from people who were not relatives in my life (and honestly, not from some relatives at all). I was overwhelmed. This week, I was determined to keep up my weekly path and go to church. The sermon was about this book, “Just Walk Across the Room”. This annoyed me because several growth groups in the church are going through the books, if you’d want to attend, you just pay for the book and they assign you to a group at your convenience. The book is about evangelizing – that is, how to evangelize to people you do and do not know.
Now when you have as tenuous a hold on Jesus as I do, and then the pastor asks for you to complete a card asking “what did the person who saved you do”, what you really want to do is write is that you met God 15 years on a path that was founded by a Muslim (although it’s not a Muslim path) and that Christianity was one of many ways to God. That you’ve lost touch with the person who “brought” you to God, because she really didn’t, you were asking God to come to you and He did. That you’ve communed with Him, laughed with Him, been comforted by Him, been rescued countless times from despair, depression, financial ruin, injury, child health issues and even one time death, that He is already your all in all and has saved your soul despite the fact that you have no idea who Jesus is and you keep waiting for him to show but he never does.
It was then, in the middle of this, that I realized that Christianity – which so recently brought me a heart beat away from God – was now AGAIN pushing me away. Where is the Lord who stood in the corner with me when I accepted my daughter’s diagnosis of Down syndrome? Who showered me with His Essence of Comfort (His Holy Spirit, I believe) while coping wit the severity of Mom’s Alzheimers, who miraculously put mortgage money in our pockets for 6 months when we could not sell our old house, who blessed Amelia with a heart disorder that healed itself, who pulled me back from a stroke so severe the doctor said it was a “miracle” I had no permanent damage… Oh, I could go on and on.
I am not going to attend next Sunday because I cannot walk across the room to talk about Jesus, and I don’t want to be preached to about it. I can tell people all the time what my God, my Creator has done for me, I enjoy talking about it. But I’ve been put off again by Christians and it’s painful.
I don’t know if I should go to the Bible study. It feels like I shouldn’t. I’ll let you know what I decide.
Hmm. I’m really interested in what you had to say. I’m still wondering, though, what exactly is pushing you away from “Christianity.” I’d love to dialog with you about this topic more (via e-mail or whatever).
Hi Holly, welcome! Sorry for the long wait; I lost my password and was out of town this weekend.
What’s pushing me away? Numerous things. First, I’m being told over AND OVER to evangelize Christ, when I’m not even sure I believe.
Second, people are extremely conservative and I am now. Does God not want me if I find it a bigger miracle to believe that creation took millions of years and the miracle of exquisite and divine architecture, than 6 days of magic?
And finally, God and I had a good relationship for years. I (stupidly??) asked to follow Christianity so it’d be easier to teach my kids than an esoteric path. If Christ is the only way to God, then where was he when I met God?
It feels sort of like I had a dear, close intimate relationship with God, and if Christians are right, then He’s saying, “Oh meet my son. You’ll be dealing with Him from now on, not Me. Goodbye.”
That is quite painful, and the alternative is that Christianity is not the absolute answer.
that’s it!
Being a Christian is not always easy. When we surrender everything to God, it’s a sacrifice. He has done so much for us! We will face problems and hard times but when we have Jesus in our lives, when we seek after him with all our hearts, when we pray to Him daily and read the Bible, that is when He will hear our cries and not only help us through the difficult times, but give us peace and joy. When we are walking through life, we know that with God, our problems will not last forever, and it will make us stronger. It is just a testing of our faith. We need to trust Him because He can see the whole picture and wants the best for us. If you are unsure about what you believe, just keep pressing in and seeking God and He will show you the truth without any doubts. The Bible says that faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. I believe that it is important to go to church and read the Bible because it fills us with the truth so that if the devil tries to fill our heads with lies and confusion, the truth can rise up out of our spirits from the Word of God. Don’t ever give up! A lot of times when we’re about to give up, is when there is about to be a breakthrough! Keep your focus upon God and not your circumstances and He will not fail you! I pray that God will give you clarity and show you the truth about anything that you do not understand. James 1:5 – “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.”
I stumbled upon your web site today and find it fascinating. I share many of your feelings. I’ve noticed that you haven’t blogged about this for almost a year. Please keep writing about it.
Hi Susan, I will do my best! Much has happened spiritually, and it’s still a battle, but getting closer to God. That is always my goal.
Hi there,
I just stumbled across this blog. I too have had wonderful direct experiences with God and have never understood christianity and its fixation with Jesus.
Jesus was a total stranger to me, and in essence I felt I was betraying my God – or even deviating from my truth when I looked to Jesus. I definitely understand the whole ‘goodbye God, hello Jesus’ thing.
I had to pray (or talk to my dad as I prefer to say) and be honest about this. And through scriptural readings from the bible I’ve come to understand that Jesus has always been with God right from the very beginning.That he was the word of God(which I take as to be like an action/command from God) and Jesus infact created everything through God. He was our Dads right wingman!!
Also,the most amazing revelation for me- is that Jesus is the human connecting factor between God and us. God is perfect. Our dad cannot ever be a physical form, or rather a human. He sent Jesus into our world. Jesus -who has always been beside our father, came here on earth to be with us!!Mind blowing Stuff!! Jesus was a human being!! Jesus who knew all of God’s secrets! Jesus who had direct contact with God! Jesus who had and still has the relationship with God that all spiritual beings are striving towards – was here!! Jesus went through every day existence (just as we do)and lived through trials that are incomprehensible. He is a perfect example of how our lives can be- when we are perfectly aligned with God. And isnt this what we all want? To be closer to God? THere was not a THING that was closer to God than Jesus.
I really pray that this makes sense. I also
pray for discernment,wisdom and intelligence to be poured on you. God looks after his little ones and wants us to know the truth.And in Gods time, you will get to know Jesus.And it will by no means take away or distract you from God. Infact you’ll be even more amazed by the wonder of Our God!!