What Next, God?

Ok, so I need help. Literally.

As mentioned last time, God is pressing on me to be more generous. The problem is I don’t know how. I cannot give financially. I have no time. I tried using my popular blog and want to do that again, but I’m lost.

I want to do something grand and sweeping, but the little things hang me up.

And this is my failing. I know, I know, “don’t let your left hand know what you’re right hand is doing”, but I’m big on asking for help, so I’ve sent out some emails asking how I can help. So will it even count?

I’ve wanted to do this for so long, but greed is stronger than you can imagine. We can’t discount the outside forces either. My husband, a wonderful man, but he does not embrace this philosophy. I guess from his background, holding on tightly is what he believes works.

I believe that holding on tightly is the best way to ensure what you have will slip through your fingers.

I try to convince him and that blows up into an argument, usually in front of the kids, and the person who’s WRONG in those arguments is always me. I turn into a grade-A bitch, and then my quest for generosity ultimately leads to sin.

I stupidly mentioned to someone something I wanted to give to a struggling family (why?? why did I do that??) and this person piped up that they wanted what I was giving, something I know they have and while I talked them out of it, I’m not sure if to be a blessing means I should have just given it to them.

And of course, I discussed it so there goes anonymity.

FEELING STUPID. How can a simple act of blessing someone become so complicated? What kind of creatures are we to struggle so poignantly for stuff we don’t need, while others are desperate for a little generosity?

At CHRISTMAS. Pray for me. As you can tell, I need it!

God’s been dealing with me lately, well, for years really, about giving. I’ve cracked this kernel of wisdom, finally, about what, even through difficult pay or insurance issues, that has taught we have so much.

WE HAVE SO MUCH.

Now, up until a few months ago, for example, I had terrible issues with this house. We did not want this model and were lied to about the model we would have preferred that could have cost the same as we paid for this one. I complained bitterly, I was angry and distraught, and every time I banged my elbow or stubbed my toe on this inconvenient layout, I cursed the lady who sold it to us.

I knew this greed and it was eroding my soul, so I prayed for it be gone. A long time later, I thought I had mastered it. I realized how little fellow humans in 3rd world countries had and how my “tiny” house could house probably a whole village. It was over! I mastered it!

Right?

Wrong. Because over the past year, we made friends with some neighbors and guess which model one of them had? I had to spend up close and intimate time in the house with the beautiful layout. If I had dealt with the greed, it seemed I had not dealt with the burning envy that I’d go home with. OH this took a long time and a cool paint job to overcome. I’m not sure that I would say I “love” my house yet, but I’ve learned to enjoy it and made a plan to make it better.

Through all 3 years of dealing with this awful sin, I wondered “why?” First, why did I get screwed over for no apparent reason on the model? And, why was my level of greed and envy so high, for a person who considered herself close to God? Why did it take so long to start to conquer this sin?

Then a couple of weeks ago, I realized something. I’ve been taking my walk with God so seriously that I’ve cut out anything that threatens to push me away. I’ve tried to read the Bible daily, pray with Amelia nightly, pray in the morning, understand Christianity, listen to sermons frequently, etc. I’ve been praying for things dealing with me, rather than for self-improvement in those that bother me, confessing sins that confound and trying to find resolutions for them.

Recently, I felt another nick in my greed. Since maybe nearly 20 years, I’ve wanted a Mac. Not merely wanted, but lusted-desired-dreamt of it. It sounds stupid, since I’ve been a PC gal my whole life, married to a PC techie, who can get spare parts, cheap new systems, etc. Buying a Mac is total luxury in a home that is loaded with fairly high quality PCs and laptops. So it took me completely by surprise when we walked in the Apple Store last week – after the release of the 27″ iMac – and I didn’t want one. Didn’t care at all. (I’d still may save up for one when I’m more financially stable, I just don’t care now.)

THAT, plus Zoe losing a bunch of my treasured-more-than-valuable jewelry made me realize it’s just stuff.

And that realization carried over to my home. It’s just more stuff, and I should look upon it as a place to keep my kids safe, raise them with cherished memories of happy days, and help people where and when I can. That’s the purpose of a home.

But that still does not answer my “why” question.

Now my husband is not where I am spiritually and that’s perfectly fine, but he does not see, as I’m beginning to, that all we get is not ours but from God and so we must give it back in thanks. Tithing, therefore, or financially donating is very difficult since I’m not willing to do that kind of thing behind is back. So what can I do? After listening to Joyce Meyer’s broadcast today called “Destiny Altering Decisions, Part 2″, and listening to another sermon on God’s promises, I felt I had to relisten to the Meyer podcast again, and then I realized God was saying, “Don’t use your husband as an excuse.”

So, why did I get the “wrong” house model? Why did I marry a PC guy and lust a Mac? Why have I battled with all this stuff?

I also realized that I do have a great dream that I’d like to accomplish, a book to help special needs parents, and that I have to eradicate my lust for fame as well to even begin to write that book (it’s not easy). I have to desire it more to help hurting people than to help myself or it won’t be right. The only way to achieve that is to start helping NOW.

The answer to that “why” question is so that I can fulfill my dream. I can’t fully, altruistically begin to help others until I take the “me” factor out of the equation. The house situation has been part of a test that God designed to help me mature spiritually, to become the kind of follower He wants me to be before I can help others.

Am I flawed? No doubt. Will I need to completely eradicate my greed and envy before I begin? Not possible. The realization and admission of my flaws helps me, though, gain credibility with you, unlike certain pompous and famous people who can’t admit a fall even when we can all see how low they’ve sunk, or who do admit it only as an attempt to gain more credit, fame or power.
namaste, friends!