What Next, God?

Goofiest blog post title ever, right?

Well, I just thought I’d share this, since it is Good Friday and all. I think I became a real Christian this week.

And when I say “real”, I realized that some people will conjure up an image of Sarah Palin and run screaming. But I’m gonna tell, nothing in that lady’s PR kit says real Christian to me. NOTHING.

Real Christian just means someone willing to accept the Christ-stand-in-for-me story. I’m still a liberal. I still agonize over pro-choice/pro-life. I don’t think it’s wise or safe to take the Bible verbatim, and I still don’t want to live in anyone’s version of a theocracy, not even my own. I still mostly believe in evolution, and I still question the “man from apes” thing, just like I have most of my life.

The thing is, this Christianity thing works for me. Maybe it’s not the only path, maybe it is. I have certainly met people devoutly, intentionally chasing God on other paths who would never consider Christianity. I don’t think God hates them, and well, you know, “Ask and you shall receive.” They’ve gotten their answer or will get it, no doubt, because God doesn’t lie.

This is not an overnight “Jesus saved me” thing, to be frank, Christianese embarrasses the heck out of me and I won’t talk in it. Real spirituality takes time and pain. (I still very much subscribe to the “The Road Less Traveled.”) And for me, LOTS and lots of arguing (with God, just call me Jacob.)

Anyway, this all started last weekend. I did something, intentionally, that I should not have done, a thing I battle with, a recurring thing. So I felt badly, and I just kind of kept it real with God by telling him, this sucks, but it is what it is, and I’ll be going to hell and should just accept it. Not even self-pitying, just realistic, I’ve hit this wall too many times to think it could pass.

But I moved forward by reading some scripture and then I heard it. Kind of like a laugh, like when you think you’ve pissed off a good friend, and they are like, “Dear heart, you could never hurt me.” Not actual words, but a firm, calm reassurance that I’m not going to hell.

That this is just an itty-bitty thing and God can work it out.

That He’s not a fan of my sinning, but He can take it.

So on Sunday I dragged my lazy butt out of bed and went to service, and felt a few things speaking to me. In fact, Saturday and Sunday were days of what I call “remedial” spirituality, where God does things like put flaming billboards in front of you with text like, “I LOVE YOU WILDLY” or “TASTE THE GOODNESS” or something.

Then, on Monday night I went to my new church group (which I am SO digging) and the pastor surprised us by saying he was going to play about an hour of “The Passion of Christ”. Now, I’ve seen this before, but between film school jaded-ness, my loathing of Mel Gibson, and the whole “I don’t know about this stuff” thing, it had pretty much no impact.

But on Monday night, it did. In fact, I was THRILLED that Richie didn’t play all of the scourge scene, because just the beginning was making me queasy. Maybe it was just hormonal, but I really felt something this time when the movie played.

Am I making too much of this? I don’t know, and I don’t care. God is with me, He has been for a long, long time. I’m coming out of a dark patch into a “prayers are being answered, life is beautiful, all is well” area. I’m not sure how long it will last, but I don’t care. Is it my Christianity that has brought me there? I don’t know but I’m sure that my faith has played some part.

Ok, so I need help. Literally.

As mentioned last time, God is pressing on me to be more generous. The problem is I don’t know how. I cannot give financially. I have no time. I tried using my popular blog and want to do that again, but I’m lost.

I want to do something grand and sweeping, but the little things hang me up.

And this is my failing. I know, I know, “don’t let your left hand know what you’re right hand is doing”, but I’m big on asking for help, so I’ve sent out some emails asking how I can help. So will it even count?

I’ve wanted to do this for so long, but greed is stronger than you can imagine. We can’t discount the outside forces either. My husband, a wonderful man, but he does not embrace this philosophy. I guess from his background, holding on tightly is what he believes works.

I believe that holding on tightly is the best way to ensure what you have will slip through your fingers.

I try to convince him and that blows up into an argument, usually in front of the kids, and the person who’s WRONG in those arguments is always me. I turn into a grade-A bitch, and then my quest for generosity ultimately leads to sin.

I stupidly mentioned to someone something I wanted to give to a struggling family (why?? why did I do that??) and this person piped up that they wanted what I was giving, something I know they have and while I talked them out of it, I’m not sure if to be a blessing means I should have just given it to them.

And of course, I discussed it so there goes anonymity.

FEELING STUPID. How can a simple act of blessing someone become so complicated? What kind of creatures are we to struggle so poignantly for stuff we don’t need, while others are desperate for a little generosity?

At CHRISTMAS. Pray for me. As you can tell, I need it!

I’ve been in Bible study at my too-conservative church for 3 weeks now, and for the first time, I’m hearing people feel out contradictions in the Bible.

For people who believe the Bible is verbotim, that is, that each and every story in actually happened, this is somewhere between devastating & scary to terribly confusing.

I do not, however, take it that way. Even if the Bible is the inerrant word of God, why does it have to be literal?

Let’s take the story of Noah. Forget that it’s kind of technically impossible, or that there’s no scientific evidence, or even that it could have happened on a small scale (a riverbed overflowing a coastal town, all the animals owned by Noah’s family on the ark, etc.). What about the idea of the much older, Sumerian tale about a man named Noah, a shipbuilder, who packed all his animals on an ark to flee a town? Or that every culture has it’s own “world destroyed by flood story”?

So when inconsistencies are seen by literal believers, it’s a big deal.

I’m not a literal believer, and yet, I’m more of a true believer day by day. There is a reason for this. I’m a fiction writer and a fan of intelligent literature. (Example: I am thoroughly loving “Middlemarch” by George Eliot right now, and “To Kill A Mockingbird” is one of my favorite books.) As such, I do think that great literature can teach us many important truths. I work better with intelligent answers and responses, so it’s true for me.

For me, the use of metaphor is more beautiful and can better illustrate abstract concepts. I realize that the Bible was written in times when people were illiterate and learned with stories. I’m not saying I’m dumb, what I am saying is that the ability of our 3-dimensional minds can better grasp the deeper truth of the Divine with an illustration.

It’s like fine art. Some people will only see the surface painting, others will grasp an emotion, and still others can eloquently speak on what the painter was trying to convey…all while like at the same painting. I feel it’s the same with literature, and equally, the same with spiritual truths. What you get from the Bible depends on where you are at in your walk with God.

What’s your take?

Listening to the Contemporary Christian channel on Pandora.com and there is a great big ad for the new season of “Californication” picturing David Duchovny stuck between 2 super-young looking butts in itty bitty shorts.

Doesn’t Pandora have this relevant ad thing worked out yet???

I’ve updated my Gog Blog. Hallelujah! This theme works for me for now, but since I am a web designer, you know it won’t last. At least I’m on the latest WP, and auto-backup and upgrade are installed (sweated thru this install!)

Some new posts I’ll be blogging about:
-4 churches to choose from
-separation of state and politics

and a few others. Namaste, people!