Giving: From selfish to generous
Ok, so I need help. Literally.
As mentioned last time, God is pressing on me to be more generous. The problem is I don’t know how. I cannot give financially. I have no time. I tried using my popular blog and want to do that again, but I’m lost.
I want to do something grand and sweeping, but the little things hang me up.
And this is my failing. I know, I know, “don’t let your left hand know what you’re right hand is doing”, but I’m big on asking for help, so I’ve sent out some emails asking how I can help. So will it even count?
I’ve wanted to do this for so long, but greed is stronger than you can imagine. We can’t discount the outside forces either. My husband, a wonderful man, but he does not embrace this philosophy. I guess from his background, holding on tightly is what he believes works.
I believe that holding on tightly is the best way to ensure what you have will slip through your fingers.
I try to convince him and that blows up into an argument, usually in front of the kids, and the person who’s WRONG in those arguments is always me. I turn into a grade-A bitch, and then my quest for generosity ultimately leads to sin.
I stupidly mentioned to someone something I wanted to give to a struggling family (why?? why did I do that??) and this person piped up that they wanted what I was giving, something I know they have and while I talked them out of it, I’m not sure if to be a blessing means I should have just given it to them.
And of course, I discussed it so there goes anonymity.
FEELING STUPID. How can a simple act of blessing someone become so complicated? What kind of creatures are we to struggle so poignantly for stuff we don’t need, while others are desperate for a little generosity?
At CHRISTMAS. Pray for me. As you can tell, I need it!