What Next, God?

I wanted to post this right after seeing the Larry King episode with the Chapman family, and then after hearing about John Edward’s infidelity, but suddenly a week has gone by and here I am late. These incidents are related in my opinion because they both deal with living a life of true faith within the pressures of real life.

They are different because they demonstrate a failure and a success.

I’m discussing these issues because my life of faith has been tested, hard, repetitively, and recently. I know I came out a success but I’m all too aware how easy it is to fail when the pressure is on.

I’d like to talk about the Chapmans. In case you don’t know their story, Stephen is a famous Christian artist. They have 6 children and in May, one of their sons ran over and killed their 5 year old daughter. On the Christian station I listen to, they portray them as 100% secure in God, in their faith and accepting of their disaster…but, I heard one clip where I thought I heard Stephen’s voice falter.

I don’t mean to belittle them. To be frank, I was kind of knocked out by them, they are amazing and especially amazing is how their children are handling the tragedy. That is pure faith, but I MOST touched by Stephen recalling holding his daughter’s body and saying some prayer like, “Don’t ask this of us.” Even with pure faith, we can still ask that this cup be taken from us.

For me, as much faith and fall backwards type trust I put in God through my through my own recent trials, I wished I could stop thinking, “Oh to have faith like that…” Because I knew it would result in more trials, and today, it did…it hasn’t come yet, but it may come very soon. And I’m scared, but I know God is with me because He’s been more than a voice in my ear or a tug on my heart. He’s taken me over when I just couldn’t deal anymore…and He made it ok.

I’m thinking every single day must be like that for the Chapmans. God has blessed them abundantly with strength and faith, may it never waiver.

But now, to John Edwards, who, as much as I could tell, lived his faith, and had a family of faith, a family that also lost a child, and yet, he failed by cheating on his wife. It seems she’s forgiven him, and God has as well, and his career is pretty much done for, so there are many consequences I’m sure to come, but I just was so disappointed. Does absolute power always corrupt absolutely? Bush, Clinton, Spitzer, McGreevey, Cheney, Rove, on and on…

In Jimmy Carter’s book, he discussed how incredibly difficult it was to remain true to your convictions and run the country, not just out of temptation but out of the sometimes necessity of compromise. Is it possible to have too much power to really remain firm in your convictions? Does the crushing pressure of public daily scrutiny and weighty responsibility leave more doors open to temptation?

I don’t know, but I do know that difficult times are not the times to start giving into temptation and yet they are times when it’s easiest to falter, even if God is at hand.

I admit it, I’ve been very hard on God the last few months. I’ve done way more than my usual share of grumbling and the money situation was down to the wire, and I told off God good.

Bad, bad idea.

Because just about right after I told the Lord off, we got a tenant in our old home (haven’t been able to sell it for a year). Next, we got a refund the dog from Chase, and not much later, got a refund from Chase on a very bad car deal. Things were going well, and a few extra jobs dropped into my lap.

Then I get a long term work opportunity, and since we are still in the hole, I jumped on it. I thought Ok, I can handle this.

But now, I’m reminded of the story in the Bible (Num 11:7-32). The Israelites were finally freed from slavery from the Egyptians, after 100s of years, and complained first about the journey, the food, how they were better off as slaves. So God sent manna – sweet, pastry-like bread. But after a long time of that, they complained AGAIN. They want meat, not stupid pastry. (Oh man, that sounds just like me.) So God gets PISSED. He says this:

Num 11:19 In fact, they will have meat day after day for a whole month–not just a few days, or even ten or twenty. They turned against me and wanted to return to Egypt. Now they will eat meat until they get sick of it.

Ouch. So I complained and complained. And now I have work on top of work (”I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I’m miserable now”). A client I’ve been waiting on for months is ready to go, another just passed me ANOTHER project, and I answered someone’s ad a week ago. He contacted me – by then, I didn’t want anymore work, but he told me not to worry I could handle it. And someone else passed me a client – maybe.

I’m a little nervous, but ok, I get it. God provides and no matter how close it comes, I need to trust.

No one ever told me that trusting could be such hard, hard work.

Sometimes faith is hard. Life, as mentioned in previous post, has been tough, but I need to trust. The relevant scripture quote since I moved to this community in January has been from Jeremiah 29 (see sidebar), so I put it up to remind myself that God put us here and despite near financial ruin, God is continuing to provide.

Business has been picking up, in the nick of time, maybe after 7 years I’m finally learning how to market myself. I know there’s a way out of this hole, and I know that we will be fine financially. God willing after this, we will learn frugality and financial prudence.

Pray for me and also, pray for this blog. I have a friend in deep pain, pray for her too, and pray that through this blog I can find a way to help her.

Which is my way of telling you that I have big changes planned for this blog. I want to set up a kind of everyday spiritual reference, probably mostly or only Christian, from the view of a woman who’s walked with God but is still confused, just trusting. This blog can be my ministry if I set it up right, and this resource *maybe* can help my dear friend.

peace out, people.

I’ve been MUCH too MIA from this blog and I offer my apologies. Life has been tough. Since late January, the day before moving into our new home, we’ve had NOTHING but car trouble. 4 accidents, 2 mild but costly, 2 that totaled cars. Two used car purchases went badly and very badly. We are trying to get money back for broken guarantee. Car satellite radio (a gift from hubby) was stolen.

We even ran out of gas the other day, which blew a fuse and got us stuck. We were 5 driving minutes from home, but no where near a gas station with 2 hungry little ones in the car. After a few minutes we saw a cop car – can you say “God Moment”?

Little mishaps here and there with the cars are adding up, and with 2 mortgages still (we can only afford one), I’ve been job hunting my butt off. The bills are piled higher than my head, and my dreams of switching to a Mac, going back to the perfect school I just found, or even buying the last Harry Potter book are dashed.

I’ve been miserable, trying hard to focus on the small blessings (I’m NOT pregnant! yay! These blueberries are on sale and really good!) and the big (Two new clients! Two very good job prospects!). But it got hard today while I was picking up some food on our last few bucks, and then that song came on. I’m too tired to recall the singer (female) or the title but it talks about trying to find satisfaction for your soul in things like doing good, being good, kindness, etc.

The singer realizes that that’s not it – what is only satisfying is being God’s, belonging to Him, and letting Him love you.

I’ve been waiting on God to pay our bills, standing in the corner, arms folded, tapping my foot, saying , “When, Lord, when?” I’ve been doing my part but faith is hard when 2 mortgages are due in a few days with no means in sight. But when I heard that song today, I realized that no matter what happens, it doesn’t matter.

That’s right, it doesn’t matter. Even if we lost both homes and became homeless (God forbid), I have what matters. Perhaps this is the point God is trying to make.

FAITH IS HARD
Sometimes when you’re waiting on something, faith gets hard.

Or impossible.

God has been helping us the last few months take care of 2 mortgages, because we still haven’t sold our old home. Now August looms with no way to make payment in site, and only one home offer – 10% below the asking price. Are they serious?

I’ve been losing heart over this, quite a bit. In fact, this weekend we saw my family and I forgot to add to Chris’ story the line I’ve been adding for months: “Really, we’re paying one mortgage and God’s paying the other.”

ANGRY WITH GOD
Have I lost faith? I don’t see any answer. So tonight I was very down on myself and told off God. Down to the wire – why does it always have to be this way? Why? Why can’t it either just be ok or be horrible? Hope is very painful when it comes down to this. I have not been able to bring the money in the last few weeks like normal, and never mind mortgage, there are bills too. I’m terrified and can’t see a way out or around or under or anything.

I know God can still come through, but I’m too tired. I feel like Cinderella – why do I always need God to be a like a knight in shining armor? This is not what I want.

CONFUSION
In fact, I’ve had a really hard time hearing God despite daily prayer and Bible readings. I don’t know what He wants of me, at all, anymore. I’m very very lost, and being lost causes me great pain, even more than loneliness. I’m not sure where to go, what to do, and this is all I’m sure of.