FUNNY TIMES
This has been a funny time for me. I’m attending this conservative church, somewhat feeling the love, but again, feeling less than Christian, JUST AFTER feeling SO Christian.
The pastor asked for who needed prayer a few weeks back to get Jesus in their life as king so I raised my hand.
When I do my day to day, and try to visualize Jesus there, what he’d do, it works, but it’s not the same as literally believing him to be God.
EVIDENCE?
I had read “More than a Carpenter”, I’ve read most of “Mere Christianity”, but in all deference to the other side (and my REAL opinion), I found myself in Borders bookstore after years of wanting to go. It was NO New York City store, pickings were WAY slim and none of the books I wanted were there. I ended up with “Bee Season”…and “Misquoting Jesus”. I stumbled upon it, but we already know I believe there are NO accidents, right?
TRUTH AND THE WORD
“Misquoting” turned out to be the book I was looking for all this time. I skipped to the end, very disappointed that the author was now agnostic (or in M. Scott Peck’s world view, which I embrace, he’s on the 3rd step of spirituality), for reasons I was surprised by. This book lays out for the lay person the real deal regarding scholarly Biblical translation, much of which I had already suspected since way back in high school.
Then I had some Divine confirmation. Chapter 2 reviewed how early scribes – intentionally and unintentionally – had the problem of miscopying texts. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that the earliest copiers were members of the church it self – and barely if at all literate. Many were just transposing symbols. It was a few centuries after the death of Jesus before trained, professional scribes would do the copying.
I longed to hear God’s opinion on this. I sat up and read chapter 2 through in the night, and in the morning went to my Bible – as I do daily – for my daily bread. What verse? Jeremiah 8:8:
But, behold, the false pen of the scribes hath wrought falsely.
In NLT, it’s far worse than that, but it echoed what the book wrote about it (which in fact, enlightened me about that threat in Revelation about adding to or deleting from The Word). So for me, God confirmed that it is NOT literally divinely inspired…and THAT I can get to.
CHRISTIANITY ON THE DEFENSE
The fact is that no matter how hard I try, or do not try, how hard I push OR let go, I cannot believe this Christian thing. I know that real Christians will come down on me, or pray for my soul, or have some very sound – sounding arguments and why I should “get” them, but it just doesn’t ring true.
Back in the Christian seminars I was taking – 101, I believe – we were told that “it just has the ring of Truth”. I understood that, because Real Truth speaks to your soul and DOES have that ring.
Christianity doesn’t have that sound to me. Perhaps at a certain level, it does, or did, or will, but where I am now the truth sounds frighteningly silent.
THE LONLINESS OF THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED
Unfortunately, I’ve found that rather than being reassured that my earlier journeys on the Path were not ONLY a tool for God to bring me to Christianity but in fact indicative of The Real Truth, I am being deeply saddened. This is strange, though, because I’ve long thought it fool-hardy to believe the Bible as literal (no offense to anyone).
I’m wondering where I head from here. I had a chance to join a group that had some alternate thinking on Christianity – even though much of what was said sounded fairly Orthodox and traditional to me. I had to let that opportunity go because of a choice I was required to make with a loved one, and that’s ok.
The pastor at the Wesleyan church prayed over us during the passion service on Friday and wants us to get involved in ministry. Do I? Don’t I? What do I do? I will continue there for my husband, anything that brings him to God is a good thing, but how do I serve when I don’t share the faith? Do I continue with communion?
I am so lost. I am so alone.
And the kick in the pants is that I KNOW I’m not alone, I just don’t know how to connect with others like myself.