They are different because they demonstrate a failure and a success.

I’m discussing these issues because my life of faith has been tested, hard, repetitively, and recently. I know I came out a success but I’m all too aware how easy it is to fail when the pressure is on.

I’d like to talk about the Chapmans. In case you don’t know their story, Stephen is a famous Christian artist. They have 6 children and in May, one of their sons ran over and killed their 5 year old daughter. On the Christian station I listen to, they portray them as 100% secure in God, in their faith and accepting of their disaster…but, I heard one clip where I thought I heard Stephen’s voice falter.

I don’t mean to belittle them. To be frank, I was kind of knocked out by them, they are amazing and especially amazing is how their children are handling the tragedy. That is pure faith, but I MOST touched by Stephen recalling holding his daughter’s body and saying some prayer like, “Don’t ask this of us.” Even with pure faith, we can still ask that this cup be taken from us.

For me, as much faith and fall backwards type trust I put in God through my through my own recent trials, I wished I could stop thinking, “Oh to have faith like that…” Because I knew it would result in more trials, and today, it did…it hasn’t come yet, but it may come very soon. And I’m scared, but I know God is with me because He’s been more than a voice in my ear or a tug on my heart. He’s taken me over when I just couldn’t deal anymore…and He made it ok.

I’m thinking every single day must be like that for the Chapmans. God has blessed them abundantly with strength and faith, may it never waiver.

But now, to John Edwards, who, as much as I could tell, lived his faith, and had a family of faith, a family that also lost a child, and yet, he failed by cheating on his wife. It seems she’s forgiven him, and God has as well, and his career is pretty much done for, so there are many consequences I’m sure to come, but I just was so disappointed. Does absolute power always corrupt absolutely? Bush, Clinton, Spitzer, McGreevey, Cheney, Rove, on and on…

In Jimmy Carter’s book, he discussed how incredibly difficult it was to remain true to your convictions and run the country, not just out of temptation but out of the sometimes necessity of compromise. Is it possible to have too much power to really remain firm in your convictions? Does the crushing pressure of public daily scrutiny and weighty responsibility leave more doors open to temptation?

I don’t know, but I do know that difficult times are not the times to start giving into temptation and yet they are times when it’s easiest to falter, even if God is at hand.

The more I read and listen to preachers, the more I get the sense that you honestly DO need to believe the Bible literally and completely to be a Christian. Well, I can’t. Here’s why:

The only way it could be accurate in its current form is if the thousands of scribes and verbal communicators and everyone else who ever laid hands on transmitting books or passages of the Bible could only transmit with divine inspiration. In other words, God would have to move every piece on the chessboard, every moment.

But this is in direct conflict with Free Will, a necessary tenant of the faith - AND is pretty contradictory to the God I know. He can’t MAKE you do anything. So the Bible cannot be 100% accurate, or He is 100% controlling.

I’m not going to go as far as to say “erego Christianity is wrong”.

But I’ve been listening to some respected preachers and they have taught things I believe and sense in my gut to be dead wrong.

For example, evolution - which I was taught in Catholic school, it was no big deal back then - is racist. (I must have been absent the day they taught that one.) Oh yea and Darwin was a racist. Because, ya know, most of the people living in 19th century were forward thinking, civil rights activists. YEA.

And here’s one that from my own experience is CLEARLY not true: “It’s as if God had His back turned on us UNTIL we accepted Christ as our savior.”

Well, since I’ve been walking in step with God since 1993, AND since I really still don’t have a handle on the whole Jesus thing (I don’t FEEL Him personally like I do God or His Holy Spirit), this is flat OUT WRONG.

Don’t even go down the road that these things I’ve learned are not of God, that it has not been the Real God with me, because I specifically and to the point asked for HIM. It would be wrong of HIM if he allowed anyone else to show up.

That is where I am at. It is miserable and painful, but I cannot make this final leap. I try, I leap, I jump, I miss. I pray, I study, I hope, I miss. I accept, I speak the words, I think the thoughts, I miss. The belief is not coming. I cannot push it any other way. I am doing my best with this, but if evangelicals are too be believed, it looks like Hell for me.

Now THAT would not be just in the least.

So it’s no surprise that 3 hours of sleep last night has put me on the down side of temptation. I gave into something I thought I licked.

I cannot feel self-hatred, only bitterly disappointed because this is my Achilles Heel, and it means that God is far from me now.

What is the length of time, I always wonder, before I can ask for forgiveness and beg mercy? I had opportunities during the temptation period to resist, to pull, to not go as far as I did. My prayers for help did not go unanswered, only my response to rise above and STOP lacked. I feel remorse and disgust at my actions, but I don’t feel worthy as yet of even asking forgiveness when it was so deliberate.

It’s like addiction, only if the alcoholic were learned cured. What I really need is a spiritual partner. My own partner shot down the idea that I could conceivably lick this sin this weekend and that little devil has been sitting on my shoulder ever since.

Given that sleep is not an option right now (my little one is having to hard a time sleeping), then that must mean that I am strong enough to defeat temptation even at its most difficult point: when my body is suffering fatigue.

We fall, we get up, we try again, but sometimes we can’t - or shouldn’t - get up to fast. To wallow in our fallenness is to feel the sting of our incorrect actions. Suffering, not for the sake of suffering, but to learn our lesson better and better this time.

This road is difficult but someday, somehow I shall overcome, with God’s grace.

But I will be an Anne Lammott Christian. I don’t necessarily subscribe to each and every word in our current translation of the bible as perfectly, accurately defining the Will of God, but I do know that you can divine God’s Will for YOU by reading it, in the interpretation you were lead to, if you are praying, walking with God, and listening for His guidance (which is WAY harder than it sounds). I don’t subscribe to the theory that this is the one and ONLY way to God (because I found God without Christianity), and I still find my gut weighs heavily in favor of successive (but limited in number) lives and the road to perfection as humans.

I do not see that anyone has the right to tell gay people that they cannot be what they were created to be, that they were not created as they are, or that just by being gay they are in some way fundamentally wrong or broken.

I don’t believe that fertilized eggs have souls, or that life starts at conception, but I don’t know when and where it does begin or when the soul enters, and for that I would not take the chance of abortion. I wouldn’t choose to tell others what to believe about it either.

And about telling others what to believe, all I can tell is what Christianity has done for me. It’s taught me forgivenness, which has opened a door allowing peace to float in. It’s taught trust in God, which has opened a window allowing in comfort in times of trouble. It’s taught self-love, which has allowed me to flush my stress down the toilet. It’s taught me compassion, which has allowed to me throw out anger and rage.

It’s shown me that following the heart of God makes life easier, even when it’s really difficult. It’s allowed me to let go of knowing all the answers. (Me: Hey, God, is Jesus really your son, really the same as You, really the only way to you, and if so, why doesn’t he know when he’s coming back? God: Maybe that’s all not any of your business. Maybe all you need to know right now is that I desire you to be Christian, esp since you asked me to make you one. See? I answer ALL your prayers. Me (bowing humbly): O.K.)

Happy holidays, and for those of you who are not Christians and celebrate Christmas, may it evoke in you so much joy and peace that you wonder who the True God is and then can’t resist but to pursue Him. AMEN.

The reason I was enthralled watching this episode today was that God has been giving me lessons about dying lately. Before you all start to worry, please recall that my mother is very close to the end with her Alzheimers. It seems (to me) that she is getting more sick, more infections, and she is asleep virtually 24 hours a day, jerking in annoyance if your presence disturbs her. It may be that God is preparing me for this, because at nearly age 42, I have only lost my 2 grandmothers (grandfathers were passed before I was born) and my aunt. A few married in uncles too, and an uncle in law, but honestly no one I was all that close with.

I’ve also been giving it a lot of thought because practicing Christianity the one thing you notice is the emphasis given to afterlife as opposed to this life. I am actually starting to see the sense in that, the realization that this life can never TRULY make you happy, and with this realization is coming - ironically - happiness.

But back to Oprah. This professor shared the points in life that he learned looking back - how to live, I’d say, without regret. It is something I’ve been learning a lot. It brings to mind Stephen Covey’s 1st habit, Begin with The End in Mind.

As in, THE end.

I had been reading this book on and off until last winter, but I could never really my mind around thinking about dying. Firstly, I have always been too afraid of dying. I am not afraid of the afterlife. It’s either paradise or successive lives, I believe, because I don’t think God would bring me this far to let me wander down to Hell. And, I am positive it exists, no doubt in my mind there. Rather, my fear has all come from the actual PHYSICAL act of dying. The older I get, the more I see that it’s few and far between that people die, shall we say, “comfortably”. Excruciating pain seems more likely. And as I’ve mentioned before, pain is not something I can deal with…I nearly fainted at my mammogram this week, nuf said!

Secondly, I’m very tied to life. I LOVE life. I love all the stuff around, gee wiz, I even love the drama and the pain at times.

So the though of picturing my funeral, as Covey’s book advises, makes me squirm. Just couldn’t do it, not a bit.

Then a few months ago, I went to the funeral of a good friend’s father. This man, unbeknownst to me, was 90. In the family’s opinion, he had died too soon. In fact, they LOVED him, adored him, missed him, and had NOTHING but happiness in their expressions as they recalled him.

And a weird thing happened: I started picturing my own end, and coveting how loved he was. You don’t get that kind of affection unless you are very loving, giving, and affectionate yourself. Stephen Covey had made his point.

Then I read about this book, “90 Minutes in Heaven”. I like reading other people’s near death experiences, since I had nearly died back when I had my stroke, although I had no “other side” experiences. This is a book about a man who was dead for 90 minutes and experienced heaven. I read it on the plane, and that was a good thing - takeoffs always make me worry about death (especially having seen “Final Destination”), and one thing I took away from the book is that the experience of death will seem like a moment compared to whatever awaits afterward. In that one plane trip, all my fears of dying seem to evaporate.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with having enough time to do things, but now I feel that is not an issue. Maybe I will never get to see Italy or the Grand Canyon or complete my novel or what have you, but I think I will have what time I need.

I don’t think I need anything more.

Bad, bad idea.

Because just about right after I told the Lord off, we got a tenant in our old home (haven’t been able to sell it for a year). Next, we got a refund the dog from Chase, and not much later, got a refund from Chase on a very bad car deal. Things were going well, and a few extra jobs dropped into my lap.

Then I get a long term work opportunity, and since we are still in the hole, I jumped on it. I thought Ok, I can handle this.

But now, I’m reminded of the story in the Bible (Num 11:7-32). The Israelites were finally freed from slavery from the Egyptians, after 100s of years, and complained first about the journey, the food, how they were better off as slaves. So God sent manna - sweet, pastry-like bread. But after a long time of that, they complained AGAIN. They want meat, not stupid pastry. (Oh man, that sounds just like me.) So God gets PISSED. He says this:

Num 11:19 In fact, they will have meat day after day for a whole month–not just a few days, or even ten or twenty. They turned against me and wanted to return to Egypt. Now they will eat meat until they get sick of it.

Ouch. So I complained and complained. And now I have work on top of work (”I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I’m miserable now”). A client I’ve been waiting on for months is ready to go, another just passed me ANOTHER project, and I answered someone’s ad a week ago. He contacted me - by then, I didn’t want anymore work, but he told me not to worry I could handle it. And someone else passed me a client - maybe.

I’m a little nervous, but ok, I get it. God provides and no matter how close it comes, I need to trust.

No one ever told me that trusting could be such hard, hard work.

STRUGGLES
The thorny topic of my faith lately is something that to be frank, I’ve struggled with all my life. Some people have issues with a relationship with God, but I’ve always had one - even for the few weeks I didn’t have one. My battle right now comes from trying to accept Christianity - I want to, I just don’t see it or feel it yet.

BOOKSTORE SALVATION
Or do I? A few months ago, I read Philip Yancey’s What’s So Amazing About Grace?, and SO much of it made sense, in terms of how Christianity, thanks to grace, is a superior philosophy regarding healing and hurt.

So feeling a bit lost right now (and churchless), I went into the bookstore with $20 in mad money that hubby bribed me with to get me and the little one out of his hair for a bit. After much searching, I cam across Searching for God Knows What. I also had a John C. Maxwell business book and a book by the author of Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy With God in the Busyness of Life, but something about this book leaped out at me. I was looking in the Christian genre, but this one FELT right. Opening up a page - well, I can’t remember what I saw, but it pretty much said, “God wants you to get THIS book, Gina”.

So I did.

I knew I had the right choice when it opens about the author wanting to write a novel, and goes on to having epiphanies to The Smiths. (I was OBSESSED with the The Smiths in my early college years.) I almost wanted to write the author, but then I thought that perhaps I should read the book FIRST, rather than post some goofy, “Woohoo! We are amigas!” comment to his blog. Anyway at his site, I also saw a book that my old pastor preached on on Father’s Day. (It’s To Own a Dragon: Reflections On Growing Up Without A Father).

PUTTING GOD IN A BOX
I started reading it and was suddenly struck by the way people put God in a box. “Do this, do that”, and you’ll “get this, get that”. Don’t and you’ll go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. I was mulling this over and my own induction into a conservative Christian church while a liberal in a time when liberalism became painfully out of date. (I’m still a liberal, if you’re wondering.) As I was pondering, a very CLEAR voice said to me, “Gina you’re the one who’s put me in a box.”

OUCH. I had. I wanted God to NOT be that Biblical God, but the God I had gotten to know - AND ONLY that version. I didn’t want to hear talk of hell and war and God’s wrath and all that.

OK, to be frank I still don’t. And honestly, I don’t really see AT ALL how Christ condones war. Seemed to be the ultimate peacemaker to me. And I still don’t get Christ or the sacrifice, or if the essence of common conservative Christianity is something I can do or feel or believe.

BUT I think about that a lot, and that’s ME putting God in my box. My version of Christianity can’t coexist with conservative Christianity - so does that mean it means nothing to me?

Does that means I’m wrong???

TRUTH IS??
Well, where on earth did I get that idea? Right and wrong ULTIMATELY is not subjective, but in our human skin God shows us different parts of the picture. No one who is not perfect sees it all, no matter what your church or your friends and family of faith might tell you. Only God sees the whole picture and He usually plays His cards pretty close - because it ain’t none of your business, now is it, UNLESS it concerns you?

Hm. Lots more to think on I guess. But don’t cha know, I stopped going to one church because the day I came in the pastor said, “Let’s continue to pray that God will tell us who to vote for president.”

MY God knows I can think for myself, and He loves me for it.

That is something I’m so far away from. And I realized this morning that doubt CAN lead to sin, but it doesn’t have to. While we are in times of doubt, we need to hold tightly to our principles and to the faith that we have retained. We need to embrace our doubt to grow, but if we embrace it too tightly then either our ourselves, or others, or the Enemy can get in and cause the doubt to eradicate our morals.

Then I thought that maybe this IS part of my calling: to write to those who are disenchanted with their religions, that have found their spiritual selves growing outside the box of truth they’ve been following and to encourage them to hold on to their values. Even in the worst storm, your soul does not lose the truth it knows.

Yes, that’s right - in my core heart, while I know this world will end, while I believe in an afterlife and an mighty, Creator, benevolent God, I just don’t see a Messiah coming to save us as anything that rings true in me.

So I was going to post what ELSE doesn’t ring true in my core: Jesus is the same as God. We are sorry, we repent, Jesus forgives and that’s it, it’s done. The Bible as literal. Noah, Jonah, Adam & Eve, Job as anything more than myths. There is only ONE TRUE religion, and it’s either Islam, Judaism, and Christianity, and everyone else is WRONG and probably going to hell forever.

Whew that feels better. It’s off my chest. Because, like, I really WANT to believe in Christianity. Which is NUTS, when I was raised with views from “we are all born with sin already on our souls” to “anyone who is a good friend could be a demon in disguise” and so much more. Really, the premise of real Christianity is awesome, even if it’s barbaric. But WANTING to believe something doesn’t always work.

When I was attending Stroudsburg Wesleyan, I went to their 4 part course - it’s meant to be a thing to lead congregants into ministry and I was all for that. But one of our pastors said, “It’s as simple as CHOOSING to believe.”

I took that to heart and have been CHOOSING to believe for 2 or maybe 3 years now, but it never sticks. Which leads me to the theory that it ISN’T that simple. In fact, it’s INCREDIBLY difficult to incorporate someone else’s doctrine as your own. Beautiful as Christianity is, awesome as the figure of Jesus, it’s not mine, He’s not mine. I’ve tried so very hard to make it true and it’s not.

Where does that leave me? Very perplexed. Time and again, I have described that I came to God through a path that’s much closer to Sufism (and even Islam) than anything else. On that path, we were taught that SOMEONE would come, that the world would end too. So if I buy the path, I am then wrong anyway because this “waiting for someone’s return” thing doesn’t feel or seem like a possibility.

Where do I go, now? Because like it or not, we DO live in a Christian society - not a right wing one, not yet, but a society ruled by Christian virtues and holidays like Christmas. Wishing it can’t make it so, and apparently living it can’t either.

I will STILL look for a Christian church though. I do believe in God, and corporate worship feels me with his Holy Presence, draws me nearer and fills me with a clarity that I barely EVER have in life. Maybe God doesn’t want me to be a Christian-I can’t say. I certainly don’t think I’m going to go to Hell for spending my whole life seeking the Divine and a true relationship.

namaste, fellow seekers.

Business has been picking up, in the nick of time, maybe after 7 years I’m finally learning how to market myself. I know there’s a way out of this hole, and I know that we will be fine financially. God willing after this, we will learn frugality and financial prudence.

Pray for me and also, pray for this blog. I have a friend in deep pain, pray for her too, and pray that through this blog I can find a way to help her.

Which is my way of telling you that I have big changes planned for this blog. I want to set up a kind of everyday spiritual reference, probably mostly or only Christian, from the view of a woman who’s walked with God but is still confused, just trusting. This blog can be my ministry if I set it up right, and this resource *maybe* can help my dear friend.

peace out, people.