What Next, God?

In a day when I slept in and skipped church intentionally – the first day I wanted to in several years, and the one time my husband spoke the idea aloud as I was thinking it – I saw this from a New York Times article:

“I need God in my life, but I told the pastor, I get sleepy,” she said. “You have to stay in church from 1:30 to 5. I think if services were shorter, more entertaining I’d go.”

It wasn’t until I read this that I had my first glimmer of guilt – but it was only a glimmer. The issue right now is that I’m in a period of spiritual flux (as evidenced by recent postings) and need something a bit deeper than the usual that I get at my new church (which is in all fairness not quite up to what I got at my former church).

I don’t feel that same ecstatic sweep of godly passion, I’m not learning in the same way, and I’m just not feeling it.

But that is QUITE different than putting off God because I can’t get my butt out of bed. And, “make it more entertaining” ?? Are you kidding? Now I’m not advocating stern, stiff services, like the kind people older than me experienced with Latin Catholic masses and such. Not at all.

But you don’t go to church for entertainment. You don’t go because you have nothing better to do on Sunday mornings (like sleep). You don’t go to catch up with friends, or show face in front of your priest/pastor/peers, etc. You don’t go because it’s what you’ve always done, and you don’t know what else to do. You don’t go because the Word will be fed to you so you don’t have to study on your own that day (guilty!)

You GO because you WANT to.

You GO to share worship with a community of (hopefully) similar minded believers.

You GO to feel God’s presence and fire in your life.

You GO for God.

We are so RIDICULOUSLY soft in this country, it’s sad. Think of Christians (and Jews and Moslems and all other faiths) in communist, anti-religion countries where people can be jailed or worse for creating a house church, which is the only way they can worship.

And here we are bothered by the inconvenience of going out of our to publicly worship our Creator, who gave us EVERYTHING?

Argh. It’s upsetting.

If you don’t believe don’t go. If you’re having a crisis of faith, well, maybe take a week or two off, or find another church or religion or path to God. Or find another day and way to worship the Lord regularly. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

But don’t be lukewarm and say it’s too hard to spend a small part of your Sunday in church.

I always worried about this verse:

But since you are lukewarm and neither cold nor hot, I will spit you out of my mouth. Rev. 3:16

But now I get it. I may be confused, lost, unsure, uncertain, and trying to find my footing, but I hope and pray that I will NEVER be lukewarm about my Lord, because I’m always passionate in just about everything else (a real flaw of mine, btw).

FUNNY TIMES
This has been a funny time for me. I’m attending this conservative church, somewhat feeling the love, but again, feeling less than Christian, JUST AFTER feeling SO Christian.

The pastor asked for who needed prayer a few weeks back to get Jesus in their life as king so I raised my hand.

When I do my day to day, and try to visualize Jesus there, what he’d do, it works, but it’s not the same as literally believing him to be God.

EVIDENCE?
I had read “More than a Carpenter”, I’ve read most of “Mere Christianity”, but in all deference to the other side (and my REAL opinion), I found myself in Borders bookstore after years of wanting to go. It was NO New York City store, pickings were WAY slim and none of the books I wanted were there. I ended up with “Bee Season”…and “Misquoting Jesus”. I stumbled upon it, but we already know I believe there are NO accidents, right?

TRUTH AND THE WORD
“Misquoting” turned out to be the book I was looking for all this time. I skipped to the end, very disappointed that the author was now agnostic (or in M. Scott Peck’s world view, which I embrace, he’s on the 3rd step of spirituality), for reasons I was surprised by. This book lays out for the lay person the real deal regarding scholarly Biblical translation, much of which I had already suspected since way back in high school.

Then I had some Divine confirmation. Chapter 2 reviewed how early scribes – intentionally and unintentionally – had the problem of miscopying texts. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say that the earliest copiers were members of the church it self – and barely if at all literate. Many were just transposing symbols. It was a few centuries after the death of Jesus before trained, professional scribes would do the copying.

I longed to hear God’s opinion on this. I sat up and read chapter 2 through in the night, and in the morning went to my Bible – as I do daily – for my daily bread. What verse? Jeremiah 8:8:

But, behold, the false pen of the scribes hath wrought falsely.

In NLT, it’s far worse than that, but it echoed what the book wrote about it (which in fact, enlightened me about that threat in Revelation about adding to or deleting from The Word). So for me, God confirmed that it is NOT literally divinely inspired…and THAT I can get to.

CHRISTIANITY ON THE DEFENSE
The fact is that no matter how hard I try, or do not try, how hard I push OR let go, I cannot believe this Christian thing. I know that real Christians will come down on me, or pray for my soul, or have some very sound – sounding arguments and why I should “get” them, but it just doesn’t ring true.

Back in the Christian seminars I was taking – 101, I believe – we were told that “it just has the ring of Truth”. I understood that, because Real Truth speaks to your soul and DOES have that ring.

Christianity doesn’t have that sound to me. Perhaps at a certain level, it does, or did, or will, but where I am now the truth sounds frighteningly silent.

THE LONLINESS OF THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED
Unfortunately, I’ve found that rather than being reassured that my earlier journeys on the Path were not ONLY a tool for God to bring me to Christianity but in fact indicative of The Real Truth, I am being deeply saddened. This is strange, though, because I’ve long thought it fool-hardy to believe the Bible as literal (no offense to anyone).

I’m wondering where I head from here. I had a chance to join a group that had some alternate thinking on Christianity – even though much of what was said sounded fairly Orthodox and traditional to me. I had to let that opportunity go because of a choice I was required to make with a loved one, and that’s ok.

The pastor at the Wesleyan church prayed over us during the passion service on Friday and wants us to get involved in ministry. Do I? Don’t I? What do I do? I will continue there for my husband, anything that brings him to God is a good thing, but how do I serve when I don’t share the faith? Do I continue with communion?

I am so lost. I am so alone.

And the kick in the pants is that I KNOW I’m not alone, I just don’t know how to connect with others like myself.

I thought I would take these first few moments of Good Friday to read about the Last Supper, pray, be still, and share with you some thoughts I had today on the events of around Jesus’ death.

After 40 years of being taught the story of His death and resurrection, it only occurred to me today that it these events transpired on Passover. Not that I didn’t know that logically, it’s just that I never considered the implications.

The Passover is the Jewish holiday to celebrate the angel of death “passing over” the homes of the Hebrews when they were in the final days of slavery from the Egyptians.

And who did that angel of death slay? The first born sons of every non-Hebrew family.

How ironic, then, that the first-born Son of God is slain on Passover.

That is when it hit me. The children of God who were saved by this act? US.

Perhaps it’s just that I have the kind of mind that seeks symmetry in all things, but it’s certainly doesn’t seem coincidental that we are “passed over” in eternal death because Jesus took this fall at the time of this celebration.

I do of course realize that Passover was celebrated with actual animal sacrifices, but because of Christ’s sacrifice the angel of death doesn’t have real, final, destructive power over us. The blood is on our homes, just as it was on the homes of the Isrealites in Egypt so many thousands of years ago.

Just some food for thought.

Oh yes, visit my other blog for a chance to be generous.

It’s been a crazy weekend, life-changing really, and so I’d like to share.

Today we went, for the 2nd time, to our nearest Wesleyan church and we already feel comfortable there. It is quite a SMALL church, smaller than our good old Stroudsburg Wesleyan was when we first started. There’s only one service, it’s in a small church, and it wasn NOT standing room only, but it was fairly full. It was BLENDED not contemporary, which is ok but not my favorite. Not too many people lifting hands, but a few is better than none.

So I’ve been ruminating if we should continue going, and of course that’s God’s decision. Today I mentioned to Chris that I had some doubts – there’s not a lot of young couples, mostly older folks, and no weekly Bible study I can attend (there is one but not at a good hour). He then said that he kind of feels that we should continue and see what happens. I countered that they would NEED to grow, and this would CLEARLY mean we’d have to get involved to make it the kind of church we want it to be (and the way the church wants to go) and he said he knew that.

I was floored. My husband doesn’t share with me spiritually, I can never tell where he’s at on an enlightened path, some days I wonder if he’s there at all, and then he knocks one over my head like this.

Then, sitting there, I found that I did want to move more towards Christ and Christianity (despite my earlier post), and realized that that has to do with the fact that I’ve only been to service 3 times since I lived here (jan 30-mar 25). Of course logic brain kicked in and said, “That’s because they’re very convincing”, but that just annoyed me. I don’t know, but I feel comfortable being Christian and acting Christian, I’m comfortable with the love and kindness of these true Wesleyans, and I’m becoming more fearless, despite my liberal leanings and all THAT sort of disagreement counters in the faith.

And I’m tired, so so so TIRED of walking uphill alone in the Path Less Travelled.

I did really feel that we were meant to move here for SOMETHING, and if I don’t get closer to Jesus and fully go that route, I can’t explain the … uncomfortable, unsorted feeling I’m getting inside.

That’s enough depth for tonight. Most of my other comments had to do with writing and finding a new career path, and also my hopes and dreams of turning this site into a social networking place. More on that later…

I’m still having struggles with Christianity.  One of the big drawbacks to me is the exclusivity.  Oh, I know you’ve heard this argument before, but it’s really, um, not right.  This is why, too, I think that parts of the Bible were NOT divinely inspired, but politically motivated (years later I’m sure).  I mean, Christianity was often used as a tool to control the masses.

It’s often said, Well, people have a choice.

Do they? Which people?  Mentally ill people – do they have a choice?  16 year olds, who don’t have full maturity or brain development?  What of the entire nation of brain washed from birth people in North Korea?  Where are their choices, and what is choice if you don’t have the capacity to see all the choices or understand them?  Do they get a free pass to heaven, while the rest of us have wrestled day and night with every sin and temptation?

I’ve been asking God to reveal the truth to me, but a silent God is tricky to decipher.  We all know what answers I will find in the Bible, so where can I get a more objective answer?

And then my brain said to me today, You’re struggling with this truth because the real truth is written on your soul, and you don’t have the courage to embrace it.

On the path we learned that once your soul learns a spiritual truth, it can’t UNlearn it.  That would hardly be fair.  I believe this.  Ultimately, you can choose to ignore what you’ve learned, or put your fingers in your ears and pretend you didn’t hear it, but it’s still there inside you.  PERMANENTLY.

But Christianity stuck its nefarious head in and said, “Well, that could be the devil.”

It’s this line that drove me away from Christianity so many years ago.  When God did take me under His Glorious Wing, there was no doubt, there was none of this nonsense, but as soon as we add this exclusivity issue, doubt ensues and God’s Hand feels farther away.

And we all know who’s hand DOUBT belongs to, and what it can lead to.

So am in incorageous, or just cautious?  Timid, or careful?  Lukewarm IS NOT what I want to be, but I haven’t yet been swept up in that “Oh yes, this Jesus IS my savior!” passion, not at all.

I’ve been gone a long, LONG time, and it’s been a deep, dark night of the soul. I stupidly thought I’d give up anger for Lent, after all, a Proverbs 31 Woman couldn’t possibly give vent to anger? True, but P3W I apparently am NOT.

We settled in our new home, the night after a serious accident (we are fine, car was not), a horrible closing where we ended up with a higher monthly mortgage than expected, and soon after a stolen radio. Our deductible for the accident was far higher than we thought too, and this place started looking like the money pit. We were phoneless and without internet, which in my business, costs me money.

I was lost, forlorn, without a church home too. (I still am.) But in the midst of this, God sent me a passage:

Now I tell you to settle there and build houses. Plant gardens and eat what you grow in them. Get married and have children, then help your sons find wives and help your daughters find husbands, so they can have children as well. I want your numbers to grow, not to get smaller. Pray for peace in Babylonia and work hard to make it prosperous. The more successful that nation is, the better off you will be.

Jer.29:4-7

God has made it plain that he planted us here, purposely. See my emphasis above? In moving here, we did what I did not think was possible: we built our own house. My thinking had been to come here, and stack the shelves with brownies to bring to the neighbors as they move in (none yet). Funny thing is, this is verbatim what my secret sister said to me at our Christmas luncheon.

And while my Christianity is flagging, particularly with Sundays of no church, my faith in the One God is not, and while I cannot share what I do not have, I CAN share what I do.
Now that I’m re-reading this passage I see another thing too. I did the unthinkable, I applied for a pretty good job. And – even though I haven’t interviewed or gotten a callback or truly applied much in 8 years – I made it to round 2 of the interviews. And that fits to “work hard to make it prosperous”. Wow.

I’d like to be back on track. I tried to go to the nearest Wesleyan church and just couldn’t find it this morning. I’ll need to try again, I guess. Weeks on end without corporate worship are NOT the same, and my strength is waning.

Pray for me.

I’m leaving for closing momentarily and packing up the PC on return.  Comments will be moderated when I’m back online, so it’s all in Verizon’s hands.

Pray for us. So far nothing has gone right with the closing, the house selling or the mortgage and my faith is greatly being tested.

God’s still with us, right??

I know that real Christians wouldn’t agree, as the person who posted the other day, “All religions are but one…”, a quote by Ostad Elahi, but God keeps telling me in different forms it is the same. Now, it is true that the Lord had called me to be Christian at this time, and for this I’ve…well, I’ve taken the leap that wasn’t exactly faith, but wasn’t exactly NOT faith. I “chose” to believe because I felt this was God’s call on me at this time. In addition, following Christianity closely and devoutly has made everything in life just WORK better. (By that, I mean even the bad horrible unchangeable things.) On the Path, we were taught to experiment with concepts and that if we did, we would undoubtedly meet and begin a relationship with God. This was 100% true for me, the Path taught me how to get and grow faith – something that NEVER happened for me with the Catholicism or Christianity I was raised with.

And as I continue to muse on and wander what the nature of Christ really is, all the while accepting that He was a worthy sacrifice necessary to erase our sins from God, I move closer and CLOSER to God even while my questions become deeper. It’s not that the questions are getting harder, it’s that the answers…well, even when they don’t come, I’m ok. I don’t NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW anymore.

But sometimes, an answer comes when you least expect it. I was lying with my baby in the dark, getting her off to sleep, and a temptation came to mind. I could almost hear the enemy laughing that I would give in, but I just laughed back. I’ve learned that an EXCELLENT way to fight even the most difficult temptations is to praise God, loudly if possible. I praised Him softly (so Zoe could sleep), and thought again on the nature of Christ. I can only praise and worship God, if Christ is God then I can worship Him, but if Christ is a man with the essence of God, then I can only praise that essence. In thinking this, it occured to me that on the Path, we are taught that God forgives all sins (if you ask), but not the sins of others – you still need to make retribution and make things right with them, and this could take many lives. And you must improve yourself – struggle to overcome your imperious nature and have the nature of God.

Christianity teaches (the way I believe) that Christ forgives all sins, but you in all reality still must make restitution and gain forgiveness of your brothers & sisters. We are commanded as well in Christianity to forgive others “as your father in heaven forgave you”. Wesleyan doctrine teaches Christian perfection – and I think most Christian doctrines teach self-improvement – as a way of becoming more Christ-like. In fact, we should struggle to be “mistaken” for Christ. In Christianity, though, we are taught we only have one life.

And so, for me, the two disparate Paths are becoming one road less travelled. Continuing my journey, every day, every way, I remain, your faithful servant in God.

Lesson learned AGAIN.  Meaning if it’s a teeny tiny thing, doesn’t matter.  If you waffle for a MICROSECOND, don’t do it.  At all.  Leave it out or take the long way, if that’s the cost of not doing any little error.  It can all come back.

I’m up to my eyeballs in frustration, remorse, doubt, fear, exhaustion, and regret.  I need a break from being human, really.

The further along you are on the road to perfect, too, the more the little errors eat you alive.  The ones that involve others devour you whole.

How on earth do we navigate this humanity?  It’s so hard, and tiring, and when you’ve been deprived sleep for any reason, and life is crowding you with bad stuff, and all you really want to do is weep and weep, rather than your responsibilities, how do you handle it?

I know, I know, with prayer, but on days/weeks like this it’s so hard.  I’ve been walking around with a stone in my stomach because of one person, and that stone has had this ripple effect on me trusting others.  Given the history of last year, where my beloved family member shut me out completely, I cannot trust people dear to me, much less strangers, or clients, or prospects, or colleagues or anyone.  Which makes me a lousy business woman, and for the 10th time this month, I’m thinking I should maybe quit. I’m walking on eggshells and keep breaking them anyway.

This is a lovely one:

Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. (NLT version)

In fact I liked this one so much and thought I HAD mastered it!

And then December came…

Trust is Not the Issue
As far as trust, my husband can trust me. I think most people think of this as in not cheating, but it meant more, I’m sure, when it was written. I’m his number one champion, I wish him the best, and I love him truly. I don’t spend without him knowing, don’t dis him on gifts because “things are not going well so too bad”, and try very hard to fix our communication issues within myself.

But I have to be honest. We’ve been fighting like crazy the last few months, and this is me being more Christian than ever. So what’s the deal?

Complain, complain, complain…
Well, maybe it’s part two of that sentence: “she will greatly enrich his life”. This was what I thought I’d mastered, but one day Chris came home and said that all I do is COMPLAIN.

Wow. Caught, tried and convicted.

There’s one thing I’m pretty sure of: a complainer cannot enrich ANYONE’S life. Here I was, *thinking* that I was doing my best by him, and he was hearing nothing but complaints that he wore on himself.

Excuses
How did this happen? I’m not sure, but it is true that we’ve been under a LOT of stress in 2006. My sister sort of parted ways with me. She’s much older but I’ve always subconsciously thought of her as my best friend. I can’t describe the pain, it was so bad. I’ve lived a VERY blessed life, no one that turned out to be worthwhile in my life hurt me that bad. There’s a million other life changes last year, and it took me weeks and months to recuperate from them.

That is still no excuse. I did not mean to hurt him in this way. In fact, I feel that I try very hard to enrich his life. We go to church every week – not because I pushed him, but because I stepped back and let God lead. I have prayed so hard and strong for him in 06, and I can hardly believe how incredibly some of those prayers have been answered. So perhaps my small and fervent voice has enrichened him somewhat.

See Yourself Through Other’s Eyes
But his view of me is not what I thought it should be. I’m complaining less, but still doing it – and he’s still hearing it. Every time he does, I’m ashamed.

In fact, I complained so much about his mother, who spent a LOT of time helping us this year – even when she clearly didn’t want to – that he almost didn’t spend Christmas with her. God provided me a way around that, but I hope I’ve learned my lesson.

Quit Your Griping
Step one on the journey to virtue for me is STOP COMPLAINING. Oh, I trust God, I have hope, I’m optimistic, I’m joyous, and fairly peaceful. But I write a lot, and nothing makes a good story like a really good complaint. Yea, there it is, again, beneath the sin of any one thing seems to always lie PRIDE. And pride cometh before a fall. I really DON’T need any falling down NOW, so I’ll just suck it up and say you’re right, I’m wrong.

I’m closing my mouth more now, stopping a fight one sentence in, and apologizing faster, more honestly. I feel like things are a bit precarious now, and like Dr. Phil says, you can only change yourself.

Do you complain a lot too? Do you complain so much that when you honestly believe you’ve stopped complaining, you are still being called on it by those around you? Take a moment and pray it out:

Oh God, show me every time I start to complain, let me identify it exactly for what it is, and give me the strength to stop it by remembering that we are none of us perfect, we are not better than anyone else in Your Eyes, and we are all forgiven. Give me the insight to see myself as I truly am, and help me to be more Christ-like to be the wife he needs, to build my husband up and not wear him down with my dreary words. Amen.